The Adventures of the TFCC:Those Four Crazy Chicks
by vampgirl8
Summary: Crack!What happens when the Akatsuki meet their new neighbors,four girls who may very well be insane?CHAOS Sasoxoc Tobixoc Itaxoc Deixoc Hidaxoc What's this newest chapter? The Wizard of Oz? Zetsu's girlfriend? Turkey homocide?Rated for dirty mouths.
1. Christmas With the Akatsuki

**Hello! This is a Christmas fic I wrote for my and my friends, and it's total crack, so don't take anything seriously...**

**I do not own Naruto, or Nesquik...or Twinkies.**

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**

* * *

**The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks**

**Christmas With the Akatsuki**

* * *

Brandi, our unlikely heroine, was currently in the middle of an _important_, and _life changing_ discussion.

"The twitch is hereditary."

"The twitch is not hereditary. You have it because you are crazy."

"What are you talking about, my mother had this twitch."

"That is because she was crazy."

"My mother was not crazy."

"Yes, she was very crazy, which is why she had the twitch."

"I told you the twitch, it is _hereditary._"

"The twitch is _not_ hereditary. You are just _crazy!_"

"I am not _crazy!_ The twitch is _very_ hereditary."

"The twitch_ is not hereditary!_"

"The twitch _is hereditary!_"

Ah yes, the mindless ramblings of two bored girls on a cold winter day. Throw in the fact that they were speaking with funny accents and overly dramatized expressions, and all in all this made for one very amusing sight.

Brandi, the one whom this story shall focus upon, was of average height, with long oaken hair and a slim build. The girl she was having this oh-so important discussion with, Ariel, was actually quite round about the middle, but made up for her lack of a model's figure with her tall stature. Her hair, which was died black, curled and hung down her back.

"For the last time!" Ariel cried, feigning an expression of incredulity and anger. _"The twitch is not hereditary."_

"_It is hereditary."_ Brandi bit back, puffing out her cheeks as her right eye twitched rhythmically.

Before Ariel could rebuttal, the girl's other friends walked in. Morgan, around the same height as Brandi, with blonde streaked brunette hair, and a build that, while not as slim as Brandi's, was still smaller than Ariel's. Samantha (affectionately known as Sam-chi to her friends) had a build bigger than Morgan's but smaller than Ariel's, and stood just a few inches shorter than Ariel as well. Her blonde-brown hair (no one was quite sure which to call it) was in its usual ponytail.

"GUYS!!" Morgan burst uncharacteristically, running forward to shake at Brandi's shoulders. "GUESS WHAT?!"

Brandi and Ariel tore their gazes from each other to look at the girl and say, "What?"

"We have neighbors!" Samantha trilled, fairly skipping into the room.

Brandi switched her gaze to the other girl. "Who?"

Samantha and Morgan exchanged looks before speaking simultaneously, "The Akatsuki!"

Brandi squealed, hopping in place on the living room floor and clapping her hands. Next to her, Ariel's face twisted into a feral grin.

Slowly, all four girls narrowed their eyes at each other made eye-contact.

Ariel's hand shot in the air. "I CALL THE PUPPET!"

Samantha's followed. "I CALL SMEXY UCHIHA!"

Brandi went next. "I CALL TOBI, ZETSU, AND DEI-DEI-KUN!"

The other three paused to look at her. "You can't call three people!"

Brandi pouted. "Why no~t!"

Morgan pointed accusingly at her. "Because! You're taking all the good ones for yourself-other than Zetsu, which I don't really understand your obsession with the plant man, anyway-and not leaving me any!"

Brandi huffed. "I am so! I left the priest!"

"Hidan's a freaking masochist _and _a sadist! I can't pick him! Imagine what being with him would be like!"

Each girl paused in their respective fangirl moments to ponder that, and gave a collective shudder.

"Okay, I see your point," Brandi admitted. "But! I want those three! How am I supposed to pick between them?!"

Ariel suddenly squealed, and jumped at the couch, pulling the cushions aside. When she surfaced, she held her hand to the sky, as though the Holy Grail itself rested in her palms. The skies parted outside for just a moment, the sun shining through the window as heavenly music played. Angels trilled as the light shone on Ariel's palms, revealing…a nickel.

"OMG PHILLIP!" Brandi lunged at Ariel, knocking the girl over and snatching up the unsuspecting coin. She rubbed it against her cheek lovingly. "I thought I lost you!"

Ariel managed to pull herself up, grabbing back the silver from the hyper girl. When said girl began sobbing, crying out for her beloved nickel, Ariel drew back a hand and slapped her. "Get a hold of yourself woman!"

Brandi blinked rapidly, right eye twitching spasmodically for a second. "Mommy? Why yes, ma'am, I am a talking Chihuahua. No! NOT THE HOSE!" Brandi fell off the couch, convulsing on the floor as foam trickled from the corners of her mouth.

"Damn it Ariel!" Samantha slapped the girl on the back of the head. "What have I told you about rattling Brandi's brain? She's crazy enough without your help!"

From her place on the floor, Brandi managed a feeble protest past the odd sounds issuing forth from her foaming mouth as she convulsed harder. "I am…nghhh…not… wigghn…crazy! The twitch…eaghssss…is….raghh…HEREDITARY!....meghhsas…"

Morgan sighed, and made her way from the room. "I'll go get the bucket."

* * *

(Five minutes and a very wet Brandi later.)

* * *

The four girls sat on the couch, Ariel holding the nickel in front of them.

"Okay," she said, "we're going to flip, heads or tails. Tobi is heads, Deidara tails. Zetsu will not be a part of this," she quickly shot a look at Brandi, telling her not to protest, "because frankly, the mental image of the two of you together like that just creeps me out. Besides, he self pollinates."

"How do you know!" Brandi cried, outraged.

Ariel gave her a serious look. "Internet."

At that Brandi faltered, knowing better than to question the powers of the almighty internet. When something has the ability to turn your life into a living Hell _worldwide_ in a matter of seconds, you don't challenge it.

Ariel flipped the coin, and Brandi watched with bated breath, as the coin flipped in slow motion in the air.

* * *

(Ten minutes later…)

* * *

Ariel's head bobbed as she fought off sleep, body jerking as she did so.

Morgan discreetly glanced at her watch, and then back at the coin, which was still flipping mid-air.

Brandi stared intensely at the coin, not having blinked once in the past ten minutes.

Samantha, growing bored of watching Ariel's head bobbing and Brandi's obsessive staring, quickly grabbed the baby powder from Ariel's back pocket. She used it to momentarily blind Brandi-who would protest vehemently at the girl's next actions if she saw them-and reached out to slap the coin to the ground.

When the commotion ended-Brandi coughing and sputtering the whole way-Morgan looked over at Ariel. "Why do you keep baby powder in your back pocket?"

Ariel shrugged. "You never know when you might need it."

Silence, then: "And Samantha, how did _you _know Ariel had baby powder?"

Samantha glanced conspicuously from side to side. "No reason."

Another silence, but it, too, was broken. A loud squeal had everyone swiveling their heads in Brandi's direction, following the direction of her excited gaze to the coin on the floor.

"I got DEIDARA! Woot!" She pumped a fist in the air, then paused, frowning. "But that means I don't get Tobi."

Morgan rolled her eyes. "Wah wah wah, stick with what you got." She stroked her chin, seemingly in though. "Hm, I suppose Tobi isn't too bad…but that mask has got to go. At least while we're-"

"La la la la! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Brandi cried, clamping her hands over her ears.

Samantha, ignoring Brandi's general insanity, instead looked over to Ariel, who a vaguely thoughtful expression on her face as she looked at the wall without really seeing it.

Samantha sighed. "You're picturing it, aren't you?" Ariel gave a distracted nod. "One word: ewww."

Brandi jumped into the air, fist pumping. "Well, what are we waiting for?! Let's go great our new neighbors! YOSH!"

The other three stood up and followed her out the door, but not before Samantha sighed, "Great, she's a Rock Lee wannabe."

* * *

(Meanwhile, the Akatsuki were settling in to their new home…)

* * *

"Pein! Get out from under the staircase and help me unpack!" Konan yelled, pulling a stick from the innermost pockets of her cloak and using it to poke at the darkness beneath the stairs.

"I don't wanna!" Pein whined.

Konan took a deep breath, then let it out. Calmly, she asked, "Why?"

"I can _sense_ them Konan," he replied in a fierce whisper. "_The fangirls._ They're _coming_, Konan!"

Konan rolled her eyes. "That's nonsense, Pein. You can't sense fangirls. Now come out from under the stairs!"

"Nuuuuuuuo!"

Sighing, Konan rolled her eyes. "Fine! I give up! Stay under the stupid stairs if you want!"

With that, she stomped away, leaving Pein to do…whatever he was doing…under the staircase.

* * *

(With Itachi and Kisame…)

* * *

Up in their room, Itachi and Kisame were putting Kisame's fish in their tank.

"There's Nemo…and Dory…and Marlin…," Kisame checked under his breath, looking through the glass of the tank and making sure all were present. Suddenly, his blue face paled, and he gasped. "Gill? WHERE'S GILL?!"

Itachi walked over and glanced through the glass, pointing leisurely after a few seconds. "He's right there," he deadpanned.

Kisame blinked. "Oh, right…"

Itachi sighed, then sort of blended in with the shadows in the corner.

"How does he do that?" Kisame vaguely wondered to himself, then shrugged and went back to admiring his fish.

* * *

(With Kakuzu and Hidan…)

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan were discussing Hidan's religion.

"You know greed is a sin, right? You're going to fucking _Hell_ bitch."

"So says the man that sacrifices virgins in his spare time."

"That's in my _bible_, asshole, I _have _to do that."

"You're _bible_, is nothing but a load of bullshit!"

"JASHIN DAMN YOU!"

Yeah…let's skip that conversation.

* * *

(With Tobi and Zetsu…)

* * *

Tobi and Zetsu were in the backyard, where Zetsu was planting his new garden-or 'babies' as he liked to call them.

"Be careful with Petunia, Tobi, she's my favorite," Zetsu's white half spoke, eyeing Tobi carefully as he lowered the plant into a pot in the greenhouse they were standing in.

"Tobi will, Zetsu-san! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi smiled, sparkles shimmering in the air around him.

"Yes, Tobi is a good boy. **But Tobi better not harm Zetsu's plants in any way or Zetsu will eat him,**" Zetsu replied, his dark half finishing for him.

"Tobi won't! Tobi promises!"

"Good boy, Tobi."

* * *

(With Sasori and Deidara…)

* * *

Sasori and Deidara were upstairs, Deidara making sculptures, while Sasori worked on his puppets.

"Danna, look, un!" Deidara exclaimed, holding up his latest 'masterpiece'.

Sasori glanced up, bored, to see what his terrorist of a partner had made this time. He stared at the sculpture, which somewhat resembled a banana sticking up from between two oranges.

"Brat, is that what I think it is?" he monotoned, raising one slim eyebrow. Deidara giggled, effectively confirming his suspicions. Sasori sighed. "If you're going to make a penis out of clay, at least get the shape right."

"Who lacks penis?" Sai asked, popping up from a crack in the floorboards.

Sasori stared at the newcomer. "Go away."

Sai shrugged, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Deidara gazed at the place Sai had just been, a frown tugging his lips. "Is he gay, un, or just freakishly obsessed?"

Sasori shook his head, turning back to his puppets. "I don't know, nor do I want to."

"Riiiiight…un."

* * *

(Now, back to our main characters.)

* * *

(Outside the Akatsuki's house…)

* * *

"You do it, Ariel."

"No way, you go Sam-chi."

"Morgan, you go."

"Brandi, you do it!"

"FINE!"

Brandi, the only one that actually had the guts as of the moment to go up to the door and knock, approached slowly as the others watched, wide-eyed behind her. Carefully, she rang the doorbell.

About ten seconds later, the door was swung open to reveal an irate looking Konan. "WHAT?!"

Brandi's eyes went wide, and she unconsciously leaned back a bit. "Uh…"

Konan glared down at her. "What do you want? I have enough to put up with! Do you KNOW how hard it is to take care of these idiots?!"

Brandi, seeming to come back into herself and remember just _who_ she was, straightened and placed her hands on her hips. "Excuse me! I was just trying to be a nice neighbor and come visit for a little while to welcome you to the neighborhood! But NOOOOOOOOO! You just had to be a little paper bitch! Well you know what? You can just back off, cause you know what _I've _got? Yeah, that's right! A LIGHTER!" Brandi pulled the lighter (Which was purple with sparklies on it!) and held it menacingly in front of her.

Konan put up her hands placatingly, while backing away slowly. Meanwhile, Morgan came up behind Brandi, attempting to wrestle the lighter from her grip.

"Now Brandi," Morgan soothed, "I know that burning Konan into a pile of ashes may seem like it's rewarding now, but violence is never the answer." She promptly ignored Ariel's disbelieving snort from behind her.

"But Morga~n!" Brandi whined.

"No buts-unless it's Deidara's, in which case, go ahead and do whatever you wish to it, just don't touch Tobi's or I will kill you; he's mine."

Brandi, who'd previously been bummed at the prospect of not being allowed to turn Konan into fuel for her proverbial fire, was now enlightened at the prospect of being allowed to abuse Deidara's ass. "Really? You promise?"

"I promise."

"Yay!"

And with that, she ran inside the house, pushing past Konan on her way. The other three followed, Samantha glancing at Morgan as they did so. "You are aware that you just gave her license to _play_ with a guy's ass, right?"

"I am aware."

"Just making sure."

As Brandi, Samantha, and Morgan walked into what appeared to be the living room, Ariel paused to smile at Konan. "Hi! I'm Ariel. The others are Samantha, Brandi, and Morgan. I think we'll get along _just fine_." With that, she giggled, the left to follow the others.

Konan shivered as she watched the girl go. She swore that, for just a split second, her eyes had flashed red.

Dear Lord help them.

* * *

(A minute or so later…)

* * *

Deidara frowned when a knock came at his and Sasori's door, wondering what the hell they were needed for already. He opened the door swiftly, blinking at Konan, who looked distraught.

"Our new neighbors are here," she said, sounding defeated, "and you guys have to come meet them."

"Just us, un?" Deidara didn't like this idea, something seemed…odd about it.

"No, the others are coming too. Grab Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and Kakuzu before you come down, will you? I'll get Zetsu and Tobi…and Pein."

Deidara nodded, turning back to Sasori to fill him in on the details as Konan left. The puppet man wasn't too happy about stopping his work now, but sighed and did as told. They then gathered up the others, and began heading downstairs to meet the neighbors that had Konan so stressed.

* * *

(Back with the girls…)

* * *

Brandi, Samantha, Morgan, and Ariel sat in the Akatsuki's living room, which was surprisingly homey. A Christmas tree stood in the corner nearest the stairs, and the walls were a nice shade of red…of course, the reasoning behind that might have been to hide any future blood stains…

Ahem.

Anyway, the floors were hardwood, very nice looking, and there was fireplace (Complete with fire!) on the left wall. Two armchairs rested in front of this, and two long couches faced each other with a coffee table inbetween.

Samanta looked around, frowning. "What, no TV?"

"It's in the entertainment room," Konan answered, venturing in from the kitchen. She'd just gone outside to alert Tobi and Zetsu of their guests, and now returned with a large plate of Christmas cookies in hand. "That's where we put most of the games and such."

"Oh my gosh!" Brandi squealed, jumping from the couch, sailing ten feet through the air, to land in front of Konan. Behind her, Samantha held up a card with a bold **8.5** in black. "The dark side really _does_ have cookies!!"

Morgan sighed, raising an eyebrow when Brandi snatched the whole plate from Konan, hiding herself in a corner and shoving the cookies in her mouth at rapid speeds. She noticed Ariel, who sat on her left while Samantha was on her right, had her head cocked slightly to the side and a finger pressed to her lips. She had a longing look in her eyes as she watched Brandi eat the cookies.

Ariel turned to Morgan, giving her a pleading whimper. Morgan groaned, turning her head back to stare up at the ceiling. Damn, if there was one thing she didn't need, it was a pouting Ariel. "Brandi, give Ariel a cookie."

Brandi paused, looking up from her plate to glare at Ariel. Then she tossed a half eaten cookie at her, which Ariel gladly caught and ate, knowing that's the best she'd get from the cookie obsessed female.

A few moments later, Zetsu, Tobi, and the rest of the Akatsuki entered the room-Zetsu and Tobi from the kitchen, the others from the stairs.

"AHHH!!!" Brandi squealed through a mouthful of cookie, jumping forward and latching onto Deidara. Silently, Samantha held up a **7**.

Morgan frowned at the score. "Only seven?"

Samantha shrugged. "The entrance was sloppy."

"Dei-dei-kun, I love you!" she cried, burying her nose in his neck as she latched her legs around his waist.

"Ah! GET IT OFF ME!" Deidara flailed his arms, panicking, reeling backwards into the wall.

"Calm down," Samantha said, leaning further back into the couch. "It's only Brandi…," she trailed off when her eyes landed on Itachi.

The Sharingan user glanced conspicuously to either side of himself, then looked over his shoulder to see behind him before looking back at Samantha to confirm that it was he who she was staring at. The Uchiha's eyes widened the slightest bit when he found that upon turning, Samantha had somehow magically appeared right in front of him while he'd been looking elsewhere. Her eyes were big, and she had a slightly awed look to her.

They stared at each other for a minute, then Itachi said, "…what?"

"SQUEEEEEE!!!!"

And that, my dear readers, was the infamous fangirl squeal. Unfortunately-or fortunately, depending on who you're asking-this squeal can mean nothing good for poor Itachi.

The Uchiha found himself sprawled on his back, Samantha on top of him as she snatched his cloak away. She jumped away, cloak in hand, leaving him in black capris and mesh shirt-five red half moons cut into his arms where she'd gripped him with her nails showing through.

"I always knew those things were deadly," Ariel mused, glancing at the nails in question.

Samantha shrugged, taking her place on the couch once more as she wrapped herself in the cloak; she sniffed the collar every few seconds, giggling. "It has his _smell!_" she cried, and a few swore they saw her lick the material.

"_I told you!_"

Everyone turned to the stairs at the cry, finding themselves staring at the darkness beneath and the odd sight of the Rinnegan shining through. Pein, Leader of the almighty Akatsuki's voice filtered through in a panicky whisper. "_I told you!_ I told you they were coming, Konan! The _fangirls!_"

Konan blanched. "You mean-"

"_Yes,_" Pein said, "_them._"

Konan glanced at Morgan, Ariel, Samantha, and Brandi-who was still clutching Deidara tightly-trying futilely not to freak out. If they were who she thought they were…

"Who the HELL let these four FREAKS into the house?" Hidan demanded, crossing his arms over his shirtless chest.

Ariel pouted. "We aren't freaks! We're just Those Four Crazy Chicks!"

Suddenly, silence enveloped the area as the Akatsuki froze. Deidara was the first to recover, wrenching himself away from Brandi as quickly as he could, hiding behind his Danna.

"The TFCC?" he whispered. "The very same TFCC known for their eccentricity and blatant ignorance for the laws of physics?"

"The very same," Ariel replied, suddenly appearing on the ceiling. Ariel giggled from her upside down position. "I can see down Sasori's cloak!" She paused, what they supposed was a grin, but came out to too insane to actually be one, appearing on her face. "But I like what I see…"

While the rest of the Akatsuki was tense, Tobi, being the oh-so good boy he is, thought these girls were funny and wanted to get to know them better. So, he did the first thing to pop into his mind. Jumping forward, Tobi placed himself in the seat Ariel vacated, turning to Morgan as his one visible eye swirled with happiness.

Morgan turned to the childlike Akatsuki member, a smile slowly beginning to make an appearance on her face. "Hi Tobi…," she sang.

Tobi cocked his head. "How does funny girl know Tobi's name? Tobi's never met funny girl before…"

Morgan, normally quite composed, couldn't resist the urge to glomp the orange masked nin before her. "Tobi is so cute! He's such a good good good boy!"

Tobi beamed beneath his mask. He liked this girl! She was funny, warm, and thought Tobi was a good boy!

Konan watched this all in silence, her mind whirring. She kenw what must be done, but now it was just a matter of getting the rest of the Akatsuki out of there. She glanced at Deidara, Tobi, Itachi, and Sasori-who looked a bit frightened at the feral look the one who'd given Konan the evil red eyes called Ariel was giving him. Those four were goners. The TFCC had taken an interest in them, there was no way they'd be allowed to escape.

"Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu, Kisame, Pein, come with me…_now._" Konan then twirled around to the kitchen, leaving the others to follow grudgingly behind her. The members of the TFCC didn't care, they had their prey with them already, who cared about the others?

In the kitchen, Zetsu turned to Konan. "Why did we leave them?** Surely you aren't planning on leaving them to the mercy of those fangirls?**"

Konan took a deep breath. "Yes, I am. They've captured the interest of the TFCC, they no longer have any chances of survival."

"But we can't just leave them behind-!" Kisame began to protest, but Pein grabed him and pulled him down to his eye level.

"This is war fishie! They are going to be casualties! Now you just thank your lucky stars that your sharky ass didn't catch their attention like the others!"

Kisame nodded, wordlessly, and Pein released him.

"Anyway, to escape these terrors, we're going on a little trip…a vacation. By the time we get back, they should have retreated, and if we're lucky those four in there won't be completely traumatized."

"Vacations are expensive!" Kakuzu snapped. "We can't go on one!"

Konan turned to the greedy Akatsuki member slowly, her eyes screaming at him. "Would you rather be left here with the TFCC?" she asked quietly. Kakuzu blanched. "I thought not, but now there's just one little problem…" She glanced at Hidan.

The Jashinist blinked. "Fuck, what?"

* * *

(In the living room…)

* * *

Several crashes were heard from the kitchen, and the eight present in the room listened as the screams died off, then a car tearing out of the driveway told them that obviously, someone had left. The eight made their way to the kitchen, curious as to what had gone on in there. What they found was very…interesting.

"I didn't know it was Thanksgiving!" Brandi cried, poking at the tied and gagged Hidan laying on his stomach on the table's center. He glared at her.

"I don't think he's edible, Brandi." Ariel drew up next to her, getting really close to the priest's face. "But, we could try anyway…"

"No cannibalism," Samantha deadpanned, absently chewing on one of Itachi's cloaks coat sleeves. "Remember the last time we let you two try that?"

Morgan shuddered. "The blood took forever to get out of the carpet and ceiling fan…"

Tobi looked to Morgan. "Why the ceiling fan, Morgie-pyon?"

Morgan hopped on Tobi's back, nuzzling his ear affectionately before answering. "Because that's where they decided to hang the bodies before eating them, and then _somebody_," she shot a glare at Brandi, "forgot they couldn't turn the fan on while they hung there."

Brandi had the brains to look sheepish. "Oops."

"Yeah, _oops._ That shit got everywhere."

Itachi and Deidara had already moved to the furthest corner of the room upon hearing this tale, thoroughly horrified, while Sasori looked thoughtful. "Hm…the ceiling fan. I never thought to hang them from there before…maybe…"

"Don't even think about it Danna, un," Deidara warned.

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Fine."

Ariel pulled the gag from Hidan's mouth. "Why did the others leave you behind as well?" She found it pretty obvious why Sasori, Itachi, Tobi, and Deidara were left, but Hidan made no sense.

Hidan glared at the open backdoor-the other member's escape exit. "Konan-the BITCH-said that if I went with them that whatever hotel they went to wouldn't accept them because of my fuckin' foul mouth. Assholes!"

Ariel cocked her head, scrutinizing Hidan. "Well…we don't exactly need you either, so…" Ariel grabbed Hidan and pulled him outside, him cussing her out all the way. When she came back, the others in the room were wide-eyed.

"What did you do to him?" Brandi asked, leaning forward with a finger on her lips.

Ariel shrugged. "I sent him to Stephanie's house."

"Isn't her dad a preacher? Christian?"

Ariel's grin was malicious. "Exactly."

Samantha chuckled. "Brilliant."

Out of nowhere, Brandi lunged forward, slipping beneath Deidara's cloak to grab his ass. He screeched, jumping around the table, legs flying out as he tried to dislodge her from his ass. Samantha held up a **10**.

"Well, I did say she could play with it…," Morgan admitted.

Ariel giggled uncontrollably, sending Sasori's backside surreptitious glances.

"Well," Samantha said, making her way towards the door, "it's getting late. We'll see you boys tomorrow!"

In a flash, all four girls were gone, and Itachi, Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi were left standing in the kitchen.

"Tomorrow's Christmas…," Sasori said quietly.

Deidara shuddered. "I wonder what they have planned, un."

Tobi smiled. "Tobi is a good boy!"

Itachi looked at the spot Samantha had once been standing. "…that girl still has my cloak…"

* * *

(The next morning…)

* * *

(Itachi's morning…)

* * *

Itachi awoke the next day in the usual Uchiha manner, which consists of:

1. Blink.

2. Stretch.

3. Glare at the time on the clock.

4. Make mental note to buy a new clock, as the previous one is now broken.

Itachi threw away the broken clock in the bathroom, as he went about his duties. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few seconds, Sharingan whirring, before ending the glaring contest with himself as a tie. But someday, someday he would beat the man in the mirror…

It should seem obvious now, after that little statement, as to why some believe the Uchiha are going insane.

Heading downstairs, he paused as the smell of pancakes, sausage, actual edible _food_ that was _cooked_ wafted to his nose.

Itachi walked into the kitchen, seeing the food on the table, and wondered who had made it.

Samantha turned around at the sound of someone entering the kitchen, a smile plastered to her face. "Oh, you're awake!"

Itachi turned to her, stoic face in place. "Hn."

She pulled out a chair for him, and he cautiously took the offered seat. She saw the gleam in his red eyes when he looked at the plate she placed in front of him, which consisted of pancakes smothered in maple syrup and whipped cream, a side toast/bacon/sausage/eggs, and a tall glass of milk.

She vaguely remembered how, had Brandi been here to comment on her thoughts, she would have said 'penis' rather than milk-a long running joke between the four of them. Samantha began to grow impatient as she watched Itachi eat, glancing at his plate every few moments.

Any second…

SPLAT.

Itachi's face fell forward into the pancakes as he fell unconscious. Samantha did a little victory jig, pulling the backpack she'd previously had hidden from beneath the table.

"I'll have to thank Ariel for letting me borrow some of her chains later," she mused, picking up Itachi and dragging him up the stairs. "His face may be covered in syrup and whipped cream, but that's okay. I can just lick it off later!"

Samantha's following giggle echoed as Itachi's door closed with a very final sounding click.

* * *

(Tobi's morning…)

* * *

Tobi sat in the green house, in the section furthest away from the man eating plants, puffing on a hand rolled joint. The smoke looked oddly pink.

"Tobi is a good boy…," he whispered to himself, taking another puff, "Tobi is a _really_ good boy…"

"No, Tobi is a _bad_ boy."

Tobi's head whipped around, finding Morgan leaning idly against the wall near the greenhouse door.

Morgan smiled to herself as Tobi panicked. She hadn't found him in his room when she'd arrived with the others, so she'd looked in the only other logical place he could be-Zetsu's greenhouse.

"Morgie-pyon!" Tobi cried, dropping the joint and trying to hide the other things he had on the little table next to him.

Morgan walked forward with exaggerated slowness, moving Tobi out of the way to look at the items. "Why Tobi," she chided, "have you been smoking strawberry Nesquik?" She clucked her tongue. "And injecting Twinkie cream as well! Oh, Tobi, you have been a very bad boy."

Tobi hung his head sorrowfully. "Tobi is sorry, Morgie-pyon."

Morgan pat his shoulder. "It's okay Tobi, but Tobi must be punished for his actions. But don't worry, by the time I'm done Tobi will be a good boy again."

Tobi looked hesitant. "Tobi will?"

Morgan chuckled. "Yes Tobi," she walked to the door, turning the lock into place, "Tobi will be a _very_ good boy…"

* * *

(Sasori's morning…)

* * *

When Sasori opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the ceiling. He blinked, confused. How had he fallen asleep? He was a puppet-he shouldn't be able to sleep.

He attempted to sit up, but found himself restrained to the bed. He struggled against the chains, but these were special, infused with some kind of chakra to keep it from breaking.

Sasori growled, "Damn."

Upon hearing a chuckle from next to him, he looked over to find the one girl-Ariel, the one that like to walk on the ceiling-sitting on Deidara's vacated bed.

Ariel was quite happy as of the moment. She'd infiltrated his room about an hour ago, quickly working her magic before he noticed her presence, then knocked him out. That led to him being tied to the bed as he now was, completely naked just beneath the blanket.

Ariel's grin widened as Sasori struggled. "I assume you're wondering how you were able to sleep?" Sasori paused, glancing at her, then nodded swiftly. "Simple-I made you human. Surely you should have noticed the new sensations your body's feeling?"

Sasori widened his eyes, looking down at himself. "I'm…human…? But, how…?"

She raised an eyebrow, hopping off Deidara's bed and moving to stand next to the once puppet man. "When Deidara explained the TFCC, what part of 'blatant ignorance for the laws of physics' did you not understand? We can just do shit like that."

Sasori nodded. "Alright, brat. But why would you make me human?"

Ariel pouted. "Isn't it enough that I like you Sasori-danna?" He glared at her. "Okay, truth then. Because your puppet body may be cool, but it's a hindrance when it comes to certain activities."

"Certain activities…," he trailed, confused, but rapidly understanding when Ariel's hand grabbed his crotch.

"Yes," she purred, "certain activities."

And then she pounced.

* * *

(Deidara's morning…)

* * *

Deidara had been hiding in the closet since midnight.

He huddled in the corner, frightened, knowing that they were coming, and that the cookie obsessed one would be searching for him. Deidara listened intently, hearing as the front door opened. Three headed upstairs, two into his and Danna's room, as the other checked Tobi. The fourth went to the kitchen. A second later, he heard a 'thump!' and one person exist his and Danna's room, the other leaving Tobi's a moment later. Both of those headed back down the stairs, one going outside.

Itachi awoke a little while later, and Deidara wanted to warn him, but couldn't, lest he risk himself. And in times like these, there is but one rule: Every Akatsuki for himself.

He heard someone come up the stairs, and cracked the door open just a tad to see what was happening. The girl, Samantha, had Itachi thrown over her shoulder and a backpack in her hands.

As he listened, he managed to catch the last bit of one of her sentences.

"-covered in syrup and whipped cream, but that's okay. I can just lick it off later!"

Deidara closed the door after that.

…

…

…

…WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE GOING TO LICK?!

Shuddering, Deidara began rocking himself slowly back and forth. "Remember, Deidara," he whispered to himself, "fangirls can sense fear, un. We have to remain calm, un, or she'll find us, yeah."

"Well, you're right about one thing."

Brandi watched from her position in the back of the closet-where she'd magicked herself earlier-amused and happy. Deidara's face twisted into one of pure horror as he turned to face her, realizing just who it was that was with him.

"You're right about us being able to sense fear, Dei-Dei-kun," she smiled, "but not about me finding you." She moved so she was practically on top of him. "Because really, I've already _found _you."

Deidara screamed.

Brandi giggled, "This Christmas rocks."

And suddenly, Deidara was unable to scream anymore.

* * *

(Two days later…)

* * *

Konan and the rest of the missing Akatsuki came into the house, they found a very tired, very worn out, but very_ happy_ Itachi, Tobi, Sasori, and Deidara lounging in the living room.

"Hey guys," she said warily, unnerved at the sight of Itachi _smiling_, "how'd it go with the TFCC?"

Each grin suddenly grew on the four males' faces.

"I have a new appreciation for maple syrup," Itachi murmured in his quiet monotone.

"Tobi has become the world's _goodest_ boy," Tobi smiled.

"Chains are fun," Sasori replied simply.

"Closets are _nice_, un," Deidara sounded vaguely like a hippy high off dope.

"Yeah…," Konan trailed, sharing a look with Pein, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Kisame, all slightly curious but terrified at the same time as to what all those statements referred to. "What about the TFCC? Where'd they go?"

The four men looked at each other. "About that…"

"Hello, guys!"

Konan and co. swiveled to look to the top of the stairs, where four very familiar females resided.

"…we kind of, let them join Akatsuki."

As Zetsu, Pein, Kakuzu, and Kisame fainted behind her, Konan groaned, then looked around curiously. "Hey, where's Hidan?"

* * *

(Miles away…)

* * *

"You do not know the power of Jashin-sama!"

Stephanie, unofficial fifth member of the TFCC, sighed as she listened to her Christian preacher father fight with the Jashinist preacher Hidan.

She stared again at the note he'd come with in the mail, which said 'Merry Christmas, love Ariel' and that's it.

Stephanie shook her head. She just wished she could have given her something a bit more…_tame_ as a present.

Then again…, she mused, her eyes traveling to Hidan's unclothed chest and quite attractive derriere. It might not be so bad, right?

Quickly making an excuse, she grabbed Hidan and dragged him to her upstairs bedroom, locking the door behind her. Sure, he sacrificed virgins, but she could try converting that out of him later. For now she'd work on getting the idea of her religion into him…with a very _practical_ method.

"And now, Hidan," she breathed, slowly approaching his wide eyed form on the bed, "I think I need to teach you about how God created man. You see, first came Adam, then Eve, and then they went on to have kids." She gently pushed him back onto the mattress. "Perhaps a demonstration of that last one is in order, eh?"

Hidan's screams of pleasure could be heard from the Akatsuki hide out, as could Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, and Tobi's that night.

Needless to say, this was the best Christmas they'd all ever had.

**THE END**

**He he! I hope you all like it! It took a LONG time to type. Just a one-shot...but I may continue the TFCC in later adventures. Maybe. You'll just have to look out for them!**

**Thanks for reading! And this is just a story for me and my friends! So the names, personalities, etc., all belong to us! (They kinda are us...) But hey! When you review, if you could tell me which of the four girls was your favorite, I would seriously appreciate it!**

**Ja ne!**

**vampgirl8**


	2. Story Book Birthdays and Princely Uchiha

**I'd originally only planned for TFCC to be a oneshot-but instead my friends pushed me to do a sequel, and I have a feeling there will be more to come even after that. So, whenever I do a sequel to each TFCC oneshot, I'll just put it on here. It should be good...right? Review, please! I work hard to make these funny! And they take FOREVER to write!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto...though I SO wish I owned Gaara and Sasori...I also do not own Nesquik, bubbalicious bubble gum, Burger King, or any other brand names I may have mentioned...**

_The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks_

_Storybook Birthdays and Princely Uchihas_

* * *

The morning of Samantha's birthday (January 10th, respectively) dawned bright and beautiful. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, a little cloud in the shape of Shikamaru's head (-cough-pineapple-cough-) breezed by…

Samantha yawned, stretching her arms over her head. She rolled over, blinking lazily, and then promptly screamed and jumped out of bed, sheets tangling with her feet as she fell to the floor. For there, laying next to her, had been the Burger King, Whopper in hand.

"What the hell?!" she shouted, staring at the costumed person on her bed.

"I _told _you she would freak out!"

Samantha lifted her head, glaring at her fellow TFCCans. Yeah, that's right, they were their own race.

They were just that awesome.

Ariel, who had spoken, giggled uncontrollably from her position on the ceiling, as Brandi and Morgan grinned in the doorway. Well, Brandi tried to grin, but with her cheeks all puffed out like that, it came out a bit distorted.

Samantha raised an eyebrow. "Brandi, why do you look like a chipmunk?"

"Inomkhaadachimpuk! Didsaackookas!" Brandi answered back unintelligibly.

Sam blinked. "What?"

"She said, 'I'm not a chipmunk! It's the cookies!'" Morgan supplied. "Her cheeks are stuffed with cookies."

Ariel cocked her head at Morgan, which looked odd, seeing as she was hanging upside down from the ceiling. "You understood that?"

Morgan gave Ariel a level look. "I hang around Tobi, how can I not understand that?"

"Ah, I see," Ariel nodded. "Very good, young grasshopper."

Morgan rolled her eyes, as Brandi swallowed what must have been two pounds worth of mashed cookie. "I didn't know Morgan was a bug."

"I'm not."

"Then why did Ariel call you a grasshopper?" Brandi suddenly latched onto Morgan's arm. "Oh my gosh! When you rub your legs together does sound come out?!"

Morgan sighed, giving Ariel a heated glare. "You see what you do?"

Ariel shrugged. "What? I can't help it she's crazy."

"Not crazy!" Brandi protested, from her position on the floor trying to force Morgan's legs together so that the mythical sound would emerge. "The twitch is hereditary!"

"I didn't say anything about your twitch!" Ariel frowned. "But now that you mentioned it…it isn't hereditary. You have it because you are crazy."

"Not crazy! Hereditary!"

Morgan hung her head. "Dear Lord, not this again."

Meanwhile, as those three did their little thing, Samantha was having a staring contest with the Burger King. This is a little hard to do, seeing as how the Burger King's mask has painted on eyes and never changes his expression. But we can give her props for trying.

"Hey, guys?" Samantha asked, her eyes never leaving the Burger King's. When no one answered, she tried again. "Guys?"

Still no answer.

"GUYS?!"

"WHAT?!" all three shouted back at her, forgetting their little argument about Brandi's twitch and Morgan's magical insect legs.

"Who's in the costume?" she asked, pointing to the Burger King.

Morgan, Brandi, and Ariel all blinked, then looked to the man still on the bed, Whopper in his outstretched palms. "Itachi."

Samantha paled, then jumped on the bed, only now noticing the near-invisible chakra strings that held his hands at the wrist and his legs tied together. Panicking, she ripped the mask off his face, meeting the angry, spinning Sharingan of Uchiha Itachi.

"You gagged him with Kisame's gym socks?!" she yelled as she pulled the offending items from her beloved's mouth.

Once Itachi had been freed, he quickly turned the Uchiha death glare on the other three, who left the room swiftly while giggling.

Samantha, however, was directing her attention to something other than her fellow TFCCans, as she resisted the urge to laugh.

If you wish to know what she is currently wanting to laugh at, picture this:

Itachi.

Long cape.

Puffy sleeves.

_Tights._

Holding a Whopper.

If you aren't laughing right now, then obviously your imagination skills suck.

A single giggle managed to pass her lips, and Itachi turned slowly towards her. "…what?"

And with that, Samantha collapsed into a fit of guffawing laughter.

* * *

(With Konan and Pein…)

* * *

Konan blinked as laughter coursed through the entirety of the Akatsuki household, which also housed the TFCC, who were official members of the Akatsuki as of last Christmas.

"What was that?" she asked slowly, making eye contact with Pein.

The feared Leader of the Akatsuki sank further into the darkness beneath the stairs, scared out of his fucking mind.

"It's _them_ Konan!" he whispered fiercely. "The TFCC! They're _planning something!_"

Konan sighed, rubbing her forehead to alleviate the headache growing there. Having the TFCC wasn't doing a thing for Pein's sanity-or lack of.

As Konan looked beneath the stairs at the quivering, frightened Pein, who kept spouting premonitions of the horrible things to come, she couldn't fight off a sense of déjà vu…

* * *

(With Kisame and Zetsu…)

* * *

"And then Dory went and cheated on Gill with Marlin! And Nemo just watched it all happen!"

"Hmm."

"So, Gill found out, and doesn't even get mad! In fact, he goes to Nemo and goes all pedophile like Orochimaru on him, and Nemo takes it like a bitch!"

"Really."

"Yeah!"

A silence enveloped the two as Zetsu stared those odd, golden eyes at Kisame.

"You know that you are implying adultery, homosexuality, and pedophilism to fish, right?"

Kisame blinked languidly. "Yes."

Another silence.

"Get out. **Before I eat you.**"

Needless to say, Kisame fled the greenhouse.

* * *

(With Sasori and Ariel…)

* * *

Ariel giggled as she entered her and Sasori's room, (When the TFCC moved in, some roommates were changed, obviously.) finding said red-head working on one his many puppets.

Sasori glanced up at her, one eyebrow raised. "What's funny?"

She giggled harder. "Itachi in tights."

Sasori winced. "Do I want to know?"

"Not unless you have some interest for Itachi." She suddenly gasped. "Oh my god! You're not gay are you?!"

Sasori gave her a blank look. "You turned me into a human so you could have your way with me. I let you tie me to the bed almost every night. Do you think I'm gay?"

Ariel stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Well, when you put it that way…"

Sasori sighed. "Why do I put up with you again?"

She beamed. "Because you love me!" Then she cocked her head, her eyes taking on a demonic red tint. "And because if I wanted to, I could turn you back into a puppet and then throw you into the wood chipper."

Sasori paled slightly. "…just work on your voodoo dolls."

Ariel giggled, her eyes turning brown once again. "Okay!"

With that, she sat on her bed, pulling out three straw dolls that oddly resembled Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears and Paris Hilton…

* * *

(With Deidara and Brandi…)

* * *

Brandi stared at the wall in her and Deidara's room, lips twisted in an odd smirk and eyes crossed. Her hands sat in her lap, clapping slowly. A small blush tinted her cheeks, making you wonder what she was thinking of…

"Brandi, un," Deidara asked from his bed across form hers, "what are you thinking of, un?"

Brandi made no reply, instead jumping rapidly from the bed to crawl beneath, mad giggles following in her wake.

Deidara watched, amused and slightly weirded out. "Brandi, un?"

"COOKIE!"

"…okay…un…"

"Hehehehehehehehehehehe!"

"…Brandi, are you _sure _you don't need medication, un?"

"Shhhh!!! I'm trying to find them, Deidara!"

Deidara cocked his head. "Find who, un?"

"The _mole people_ of course!"

He was silent for a moment. "You do that, un."

* * *

(With Hidan and Kakuzu…)

* * *

"Yeah, so then the bitch, Stephanie, sits there as I fight with her old man about the glory of Jashin-sama…"

"Hidan, I don't care."

"The little fucker says his 'God' is so much mightier than Jashin-sama, and shit…"

"Hidan, will you shut up?"

"And then, the bastard starts getting on to me when I refuse to say grace at the fucking meal, because Jashin-sama wouldn't approve…"

"Hidan, I'm serious, _shut up._"

"We get into this big fuckin' fight, right? And that Stephanie chick suddenly drags me upstairs…"

"Hidan, I don't want to know."

"And says something about that heathen Adam and his bitch Eve, and about them having kids and shit. Then she said something about a demon-fuckin-stration, and pushes me onto the Jashin damned bed-"

"HIDAN! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"…Jeez, Kakuzu, what crawled up your ass and died?"

"…go die."

"Can't, asshole, I'm immortal, remember?"

"Ugh."

* * *

(With Morgan and Tobi…)

* * *

_SNOOOOOOOORT!_

"Ah!"

The exclamation came from none other than our very own good boy, Tobi!

…who was currently being a bad boy, once again.

"TOBI!"

"Huh?!" Tobi whirled around to the doorway, where Morgan stood, tapping her foot agitatedly. "Morgie-pyon!" He tried to move so he blocked the objects behind him, but that only made her glare sharpen.

"Tobi," she repeated his name in a deathly whisper, "what are you trying to hide?"

"Tobi is hiding nothing, Morgie-pyon! Tobi swears! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Tobi," this time when she said it, it was slightly amused, but full of malicious promise, "move aside, and let me see what you were getting high off of this time."

Tobi, knowing better than to try going against his TFCCan of a roommate/somewhat-forced lover, bowed his head and stepped away.

Swiftly, Morgan walked forward to see what the swirly-masked nin had tried to hide, and clucked her tongue. "So _this _is where all the leftover candy canes went!" She picked up one of the offending holiday treats, which was only half wrapped and broken in places. "You've been snorting crushed candy canes, haven't you?!"

Tobi sniffed. "T-Tobi is sorry, Morgie-pyon!" He then proceeded to cry, little streams of tears leaking from his eye-hole.

Morgan sighed, taking in the dejected form of Tobi-who was now on the floor, rolling in a puddle of his own tears-and decided to let him indulge. Just this once.

"You can snort the candy canes if you want, Tobi. I don't mind."

Tobi hopped up, immediately happy, his tears disappearing into another realm. Some suspect that this is the same realm as the one the My Little Ponies inhabit, and that his tears fall from the sky as rain…

But, of course, no one has _proof_ of this theory.

…

_Yet._

* * *

(About twenty minutes later…)

* * *

(In the Akatsuki's living room…)

* * *

Samantha smiled at the rest of the Akatsuki from their positions on the couches, everyone holding a bag or wrapped box of some sort in their hands. Everyone had gathered at the TFCC's behest, and, not wanting to die, they came immediately-their presents for Samantha in tow.

Sam snuggled deeper into Itachi's lap, firmly seated on his lap. Suddenly, she frowned, and looked up at him with round eyes. "Itachi, you're doing it wrong. This isn't how you snuggle!"

Itachi's left eye twitched. "Uchiha do not snuggle."

Her eyes were fierce. "Well _this_ Uchiha does. Now _put your arms around me!_"

He did so with little hesitation, fearing what she would do should he resist. But, in some deep, dark, positively frightening part of his sick, twisted mind, though he would rather eat Kisame's pet fish raw than admit it, he found her assertiveness quite…attractive.

Itachi gagged on air.

Samantha, as though sensing what he was thinking smirked up at him. Itachi blinked as he observed her face.

"…did you grow a fang?"

Samantha smiled fondly as she poked the fang that had indeed just appeared and now overlapped her lower lip. "Yes."

"…how?"

"Don't question it Itachi." This came from Ariel, who was playing with Sasori's hair, as his head rested in her lap. "It's like one of the things we just…do. I walk on ceilings, Brandi pops up in random places and has an abnormal cookie obsession, Samantha grows a random fang and has her little score cards, and Morgan pulls candy from nowhere. There's more, but it would take a while to list everything. You don't question it, you accept it."

Tobi gasped, huggling Morgan's arm tighter. "Morgie-pyon! Can you really do those things?!"

Morgan nodded, and held out a closed fist, which upon opening, revealed a single piece of Bubbalicious Bubble Gum. Tobi snatched up the candy, unwrapped it, and slid a hand beneath his mask to eat the treat. He squealed, "It's the kind with the sour _filling_! Those are the best kind!"

The four girls glanced at each other, then Tobi warily. He had his hands clasped together, flowers spinning and floating in the air around him. Brandi frowned from her place on Deidara's lap.

"Hey," she said, "how come _he_ can summon up youthful flowers of angst and love? I thought only Ariel and I could do that!" As if to prove her point, a small, spinning flower appeared above on of her outstretched palms.

Deidara glanced down worriedly at her. "'Youthful flowers of angst and love', un?"

Ariel sighed again. "Once again, don't ask."

There was a silence, until Samantha broke it with, "Can I open my presents now?"

Konan, who'd wished to keep out of the insanity for as long as possible, suddenly spoke up. "I'll go first."

She tossed Sam a box with blue wrapping, which she opened and smiled at. "Why Konan, is this an origami representation of Itachi in a weasel costume? Look, it's even got colored paper!"

The girls respectively went 'aww' as Sam held up the paper statue of weasel Itachi, who was glaring at the figure.

"…you will destroy it immediately."

Sam glared at Itachi. "No!"

"…fine. Just keep it away from my person."

And so it went, that the Akatsuki gave Samantha her gifts. Zetsu gave her a small child eating plant, Pein gave her her very own mysterious black cloud she could hide herself in like he always does, Kisame a Finding Nemo plushy, Hidan a book on Jashinism, Kakuzu a ceramic piggy bank, Sasori a puppet in her likeness, Deidara a clay statue of herself and Itachi in provocative position that would explode at midnight, Tobi one of his spare swirly masks, and finally, Itachi gave her a bag of chains and a blindfold.

"Oooh!" Ariel giggled. "Kinky!"

Samantha glared at her, until she suddenly realized something. "Hey, what about you four? Didn't you get me something?"

Morgan grinned, "Oh, we got you something. Brandi?"

Said girl saluted. "Got it!" She flipped over the back of the couch and bound up the stairs.

Samantha held up a **9** card.

A moment later, Brandi came down with a thick, leather bound book in hand.

Samantha glanced at it as it was placed on the table in front of them. "What is it?"

Morgan, Brandi, and Ariel grinned in a somewhat evil manner. "Open it and find out."

Samantha did so, and immediately a white light enshrouded the entire living room, screams from all present but the TFCC and Itachi (Uchihas are too cool to scream.) filling the air. In a flash, all had disappeared, and the book slammed shut.

* * *

(Inside the book…)

* * *

_Once upon a time, in a land far far away, or in this case, deep deep underwater, in the city of Atlantis, there lived a mermaid named Samantha._

Sam opened her eyes slowly, blinking and licking her lips. She glanced around herself, taking in her surroundings. "Oh God, what did those three do this time?"

She didn't recognize the room she was in, it was kind of dark, and musty. Her bed seemed to be made of…seaweed?…and everything looked dirty. She looked down at herself, noting the cracked seashell bra she wore.

She did a double take. _Seashell bra?_ What the hell? She tossed the covers from her bra, nearly shrieking when she saw the purple _tail_ she had suddenly grown. Where had that come from?!

_Now you see, Samantha was no ordinary mermaid. She was the daughter of one of King Pein and Queen Konan's courtesans. Her father had remarried, and at first it had seemed alright with her new stepmother and two stepsisters. However, once her father had died, their true vindictive sides had emerged._

Samantha jumped, looking around the room wildly at the sudden sound of the disembodied voice. "What the hell?! Who are you? Where'd you come from?"

_Umm…I'm the narrator._

"The _what_?"

_The __**narrator**__. I tell the story!_

Samantha's eye twitched. "The story? I'm in a freaking story?!"

_Yeah, pretty much._

Sam groaned. "How do I get out?" _You just have to complete the tale. Don't worry, I'll be here every step of the way._

"For some reason, that's not very reassuring." Sam sighed. "So, what story are we in? This doesn't seem like one I've ever read."

_Now you see, that's where it gets a bit complicated. This book takes all the personalities of the characters sucked into the book, and adjusts the story accordingly. As it were, it seems you are in some strange cross between The Little Mermaid, Atlantis, Cinderella._

"You did say something about a stepmother and siblings, didn't you?" She ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, so who got those roles?"

"_Cinderantha!_"

The screech came from just behind the door, and Samantha unconsciously flinched back. "Cinderantha? What the hell kind of name is that?"

The door flung open, and there stood Sam's 'stepmother'.

Her jaw dropped. "You have _got _to be kidding me."

_The door opened wide, and there stood Cinderantha's cruel stepmother, Hidanella, and behind her, her two stepsisters, Kisamella, and Zetsulla._

"_Hidan?_" Sam fairly screeched. "Hidan is my stepmother? And Kisame and Zetsu are my stepsisters? What kind of sick twist is this?!" Hidanella stamped his-no, wait, it's _her_ now, isn't it?-foot, snapping her fingers. "Cinderantha! What the fuck did I say about sleeping in bed all god damned day?" Hidanella crossed her arms over her sparkly silver sea shelled chest, silver fin swaying through the water angrily.

Since when did Hidan have _boobs?_

Kisamella, who had a blue seashell bra on, and a strange flower thing in her hair, while Zetsulla's venus fly trap had been replaced with an odd pink cone shell. Kisamella's fin was blue, and Zetsulla's was half white, half black.

"Cinderantha, your sisters and I are going to the Prince's ball! While we are gone, we need you to clean the fuckin' stove, straighten the messed up to hell coral reefs, tend to the damn pet shark, and fix the fucking electrical wiring! The flickering lights is giving me one bitch of a headache."

Sam blinked. How the hell do you get electricity _under water_?

_Cinderantha pleaded with her stepmother, begging Hidanella to let her come to the ball as well._

Sam looked up at the ceiling pleadingly. "Do I have to?"

_Do it!_

"Fine." She turned to Hidanella, whose hands were perched on her hips. "Oh dearest stepmother, might I please come to the ball as well?" she deadpanned.

Hidanella gave a barking laugh. "You? Cinderantha, you are hardly freakin' presentable. You're wearing a damn cracked bra for Jashin's sake. And you have no ornaments to adorn your fin, as do my ugl-…_unique_ looking girls."

She glanced at said fins, noting the gawky gems and sparkles that had been added. Wow, talk about ugly.

"Oh, woah is me," she replied boredly, "I suppose I shall have to stay an do your bidding. Oh weep, oh cry, oh sob."

_You know, you didn't have to be so sarcastic about it._

"Shut up."

_Okay, okay! Pff, jeeze. No need to be snarky. Anyways, so Hidanella, Kisamella, and Zetsulla all left for the Prince's ball, leaving a heartbroken Cinderantha behind._

"I'm hardly heartbroken."

_Just go with the story! Cough, anyway. Cinderantha was so dejected, her fairy godmother decided to come along and give her a hand._

Sam plopped down on her bed, her elbow resting on her fin and chin in hand. "Okay, let me have it. Who's my fairy godmother?"

A puff of glittery smoke appeared, and as it dissipated, a floating figure in a sparkly pink dress with gaudy wings and a star-tipped wand made itself known.

Samantha gawked. "Oh, no. You have got to be kidding me." She glared at the ceiling, which was where she imagined the disembodied voice to be. "Chuck Norris? Chuck-_fucking_-Norris? How did he even get in here?!"

_Don't ask me, I didn't write the story. I just tell it._

Clicking her tongue, Samantha glared at Chuck Norris. "Okay Chuck Norris, do your thing."

"Well, Cinderantha," Chuck Norris berated, "we can't have you going to the ball looking like this!" He waved his wand, glittering flying everywhere, and when it all settled, Samantha's purple tail now had small chains of silver hanging delicately all along it's length. Her once cracked seashell bra now was a pretty silver, with gold veins branching throughout. On her fin was a slip made of glass.

"Hm," she grunted, "not bad. You've got pretty good fashion sense, Chuck Norris."

"They don't call me Chuck Norris for nothing." He pointed his wand at some passerby fish out the window and a few sea snails, conjuring them into horses. Next, he turned a shell into a large carriage, as purple as the shell he'd configured it from.

"Now all we need is a coachman…," he mused, picking up a penny from the floor. Waving his wand, the penny changed into what would now be her coachman.

Sam face palmed. "It so figures."

Kakuzu looked around the room, eyeing the obviously valuable chains on her tail.

"Coachman," Chuck Norris said to Kakuzu, "take this lady to the ball. But be sure to have her back by midnight, for that is when the spell shall ware off."

Kakuzu nodded amiably, grabbing Sam's hand and dragging her through the window to the carriage just beyond. Throwing her in, he grunted, "Time is money."

And then they were off.

* * *

(Ten minutes later…)

* * *

Samantha walked-swam, really-down the hall of the palace, approaching the ballroom leisurely. Upon entering, she found that the Prince was not yet there, and so decided to take a look around the room.

In one corner, a red-head with a crimson tail was performing a puppet show for the guests. A blonde with a gold tail was lighting up fireworks on the patio. In front of the throne, a boy with a black tail and black hair danced with a joker's hat, a swirly orange shell covering all but one eye on his face.

"Hey," she mused, "Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi are here."

She wandered over to the snack table, noting the presence there that refilled the snack bins as the emptied.

"Morgan!" She pulled up net to the girl, who smiled and flicked her powder blue tail.

"Hey Sam. Here for the ball?"

She rolled her eyes. "Duh. Why else would I be here?"

Morgan shrugged. "The story should be over soon. I'm the snack vendor." She held out a candy bar. "Snickers?"

"I'm good." Sam glanced around. "Where are the others?"

"Well," Morgan mused, "Brandi's right here." She pulled aside the table cloth and let Sam peek under, where Brandi was on the ground, her fin-which was multicolored black, grey, and brown, giving it the appearance of camo-spasmed and twitched. Cookie crumbs speckled her lips and cheeks.

Morgan dropped the cloth. "She kind of OD'd on the cookies."

Sam nodded gravely. "I can tell."

"As for Ariel…," Morgan glanced upwards, "you might want to look up."

Sam looked up, and did a double take. "What the heck? Why is she on the ceiling again?!"

"She's castle security. She's looking out for possible assassins."

"How do we know when she finds one?"

"TAKE THAT YOU MOTHER!&%*$!"

"That's how you know."

Samantha stared horrified at the charred husk that was once a merman-looking suspiciously like Orochimaru. "When did she learn to shoot lightning?!"

Morgan shrugged. "When did you learn to call up on the Flames of Hell and grown a random fang? You just know."

"Hey, I haven't called on the Flames of Hell in a long time."

"Point?"

"…"

"That's what I thought."

"When's the Prince coming out?"

_Just then, Queen Konan and King Pein called for silence, and a hush fell over the congregation. A set of wide double doors opened, and out stepped Prince Itachi._

"Itachi, huh?" Samantha's eyes lit with perverse pleasure. "Oh, this just got ten times better."

_The Prince scanned the crowd, knowing that one of these women would be his future bride. His eyes alighted on a blue looking one, oddly shark like, and a green and black female with a large shell adorning her head. He cringed and looked away quickly. And that was when he spotted her._

Samantha watched as Itachi did as the voice did, seeing his dark onyx eyes come to rest on her.

_He was immediately taken aback. He took in her confident posture, her coyly smiling face, the glass slip on her fin, and the chains adorning her tail. The latter of these brought a brief memory to surface, including chains and maple syrup, but he quickly dismissed it. _

Sam giggled. "Heh, flashback."

_Itachi strode forward to girl, knowing in his heart of hearts-_

She gasped, "Itachi has a heart?!"

_Let me finish! Ahem. Anyway, knowing in his heart of hearts that she was the one._

Itachi stopped in front of Sam, then abruptly grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. "Dance."

She sighed, "He has such a way with words."

As the entered the dance floor, she waited for the music to start up so they could begin. When it finally did, her eyes widened, the pop beat dancing in her ears. "No freaking way."

**Vi undrarar ni redo alt vara med**

**Armarna upp nu ska ni fa se**

**Komigen**

**Vem som helst kan vara med**

**So ror pa era fotter **

**O-a-a-a! **

**Och vicka era hofter**

**O-la-la-la! **

**Gor som vi**

**Till denna melodi**

**Oh-ahh-ahh-ahh! **

**Dansa med oss**

**Klappa era hander**

**Gor som vi gor **

**Ta na gra steg at vanster**

**Lyssna och lar**

**Missa inte chansen**

**Nu ar vihar med**

**Caramell Dansen! **

**O-o-oa-oa**

**O-o-oa-oa**

**O-o-oa-oa**

**O-o-oa-oa**

"The Caramelldansen? _Seriously?_" She looked around her at the other guests, who were dancing to the song, doing the Caramelldansen dance flawlessly-which consisted of hands flapping like rabbit ears and swaying hips.

Groaning, Sam positioned her hands, and began to dance as well. After all, if you can't beat em', join em'. And although the experience was pure torture for her, it took all she had not to bust a gut when Itachi started doing it too.

_Time flew by for the happy couple, and before they knew it, the clock struck midnight and it was time for Cinderantha to leave._

"Oh, do I have to?"

_GO!_

"Tch, fine." Samantha turned and ran from the room, Itachi following after with toneless, utterly bored sounding shouts of 'No, stop.' and 'I don't even know your name.'-which was ridiculous, of course, because he did in fact know her name. But for the sake of the story, she would overlook this flaw.

_You're too kind._

She promptly ignored the sarcasm in the narrator's voice.

* * *

(Later…)

* * *

As promised by Fairy Godmother Chuck Norris, everything disappeared at midnight, except for the glass fin slip, which had 'accidentally' fallen off as she ran from the palace the night before.

Now, Samantha knew, all she had to do was wait.

And so she waited.

And waited.

And waited.

…

…

"DAMMIT ITACHI!" Sam exploded, punching the wall. "It's been seventeen hours since I left that ball. _Seventeen!_ Where the hell are you?"

Like a call from the gods, the house bell rang, and Hidanella was quick to answer. "Kisamella! Zetsulla! Get your asses down here! The Prince wants you to try on this god damn glass fin slip!"

_Cinderantha left her room, hiding at the top of the stairs as she watched her stepsisters try and fit their ridiculously large f__ins into the slipper. When they had finished, and neither could wear it, Hidanella had a large tantrum that included every curse word known to fish and man kind. _

"Is there anyone else here?" Itachi asked in his monotone voice.

Hidanella stamped her fin. "No, no one else."

"And, that's my cue," Sam whispered to herself, before rushing down the stairs. "Prince! Wait, let me try it on."

"Cinder-fuckin'-antha! Go back to your cleaning!" Hidanella shrieked.

Samantha easily flipped her off.

As Hidanella sputtered, Samantha grabbed the slip and put it on her fin hastily. "Oh, look! It fits."

Itachi stared at the fin. "Hn." Then he grabbed her, tossed her over his shoulder, and walked from the house.

_And so Cinderantha married Prince Itachi, and they had little Uchiha fang growing babies. Sasori married the palace security, Ariel, and they now work together as mad scientists using Sasori's puppet making abilities and her lightning to try and recreate Frankenstein's monster. The palace idiot, Tobi, grew immediately attached to the food vendor Morgan, and they lived normal lives-albeit a bit more hyper than most. Brandi and the fireworks man, Deidara, went on to open a bakery famous for it's cookies; which guaranteed to be a bang for your taste buds…and your mouth…and your head…and your stomach…_

_Chuck Norris decided being a fairy was overrated, and went back to making kung-fu movies. Hidanella, Kisamella, and Zetsulla were all admitted into a psyche ward-Hidanella for worshipping a fictional god, and Kisamella and Zetsulla for being so extremely ugly they drove themselves insane._

_King Pein and Queen Konan never did anything, and sat on their throne for the rest of their days._

_And so, they all lived, happily ever after._

…

…_Well, except for Orochimaru, who was electrocuted and burned to a crisp…_

* * *

(The Akatsuki Living Room…)

* * *

A flash of white light burst in the room, as the Akatsuki reemerged from the confines of the story.

"Wow," Samantha muttered, looking around at all present. "That was…odd."

Several nods of agreement followed this.

Suddenly, Brandi launched forward and rolled to a stop at Samantha's feet.

Sam held up an **8**.

"Cool, Sam-chi! Where'd these come from!" Brandi poked her legs.

Samantha looked down, noticing the silver chains and glass fin slip still on her now human feet.

Everyone in the room shared a look.

"…Never do this again?" Ariel suggested.

They agreed wholeheartedly.

Samantha took off the chains, checking their strength, then glanced at Itachi, more than a few inappropriate thoughts running rampant.

"Hey, Itachi?" He looked over at her. "You still got those tights?" He nodded slowly, and a devious grin broke out on her face. "This will be fun."

It only took thirty seven seconds for Sam to drag Itachi upstairs to their room and for the moans to start echoing in the house.

Ariel, Brandi, and Morgan, each glanced at each other, then their respective partners and boyfriends.

"Sasori, I've got this new voodoo doll upstairs that I want to show you…"

"Deidara, I just remembered that I got some clay upstairs I wanted to give you…"

"Tobi, there's a candy in our room I wanted you try for me…"

And thus, the remaining members led their men-coughvictimscough-upstairs, as the rest of the Akatsuki watched hopelessly.

"Those poor, poor fools," Konan sympathized with a shake of her head as their shouts soon joined the chorus of Itachi and Sam's. Suddenly, Konan blinked as she looked around.

"…hey, where's Hidan?"

* * *

(Miles Away…)

* * *

Stephanie, unofficial fifth member of TFCC, sat on her bed, getting ready to read Twilight for the fifth time.

As she opened the book, she sighed, "I kind of miss Hidan."

Then, a white flash filled the room, and there on the floor was the very man she'd been asking for moments ago.

"Fuck! Damn, where the hell am I?" He looked up at Stephanie. "Damn, why am I here again?"

Stephanie stared, wide-eyed, then turned her head and arms skyward. "And now I want a pony!"

Nothing happened.

Hidan eyed her warily. "What the fuck's wrong with you?"

Stephanie sighed, glancing at Hidan. "…oh well, take what you can get."

Hidan yelped when she suddenly dragged him onto the bed.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Ah! No, don't touch that! Where'd those hand cuffs come from? Oh! Hey, watch the merchandise! Ah! Damn! Ouch! Ah!…oh…._oh…_"

And so, once again, it is needless to say that this has official been the best birthday Samantha-and by default, the rest of the TFCC, their lovers, and the unofficial fifth member-have ever celebrated.

* * *

THE END

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Hope that gave you a laugh! It took FOREVER to write this! Please, review!!! The next chappie, or adventure thing, will be up...not sure...the next time my friends threaten me, I think....**

* * *


	3. Somewhat Muscial Valentine's Day of DOOM

**

* * *

**

Hello my darling readers! I know Valentine's Day was like, two weeks ago or something, but I wrote this, and just didn't get around to posting it until now. REVIEW! PLEASE! And once again, if there's a character you like a lot, tell me who! Or your favorite parts! OR if you have some sort of suggestion for something you want them to do in the next fic or something, tell me, and I'll run it by my muses (The rest of the TFCC). Thanks for reading!

* * *

**The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks**

**The Super Special Somewhat Musical Valentines Day of DOOM**

* * *

Ariel cackled evilly.

Brandi gnawed on a cookie.

Samantha stroked the Burger King's mask. (She'd kept it as a souvenir.)

Morgan pulled out random pieces of candy.

Konan made paper heart origami.

It is probably at this point that you are asking yourself, 'why do I need to know this? What could they possibly be planning that I need to have such insight?'

I shall tell you, my fellow insane friends.

Because right now, it is Valentine's Day, a day revered by all woman of the Earth. And the TFCC (Plus Konan) were awaiting their unofficial fifth member, so that the festivities might truly begin.

Just then, the sound of a knock on the front door greeted them, and all jumped up from their places.

Konan answered the door, and there stood Stephanie, her arms out in front, spread wide. "Ariel!"

Ariel emerged from the kitchen, running toward Stephanie. "Steph!"

Stephanie also began running. "Ariel!"

"Steph!"

"Ariel!"

"Steph!"

"Ariel!"

"Steph!"

"Ariel!"

"Steph!"

"Why are they running in slow motion?" Brandi asked, nibbling her lower lip thoughtfully. Ariel and Stephanie had been 'running' towards each other for the past five minutes, and were still about ten feet apart. "Have they been watching Matrix?"

Morgan sighed. "No, they're just weird like that. I think Gai's been getting to their heads latel-…where did the field of flowers come from?"

Brandi squealed. "It is the youthful flowers of _angst and love!_" That being said, she jumped forward to prance amongst the flowers that had magically taken over the living room in just that one area.

Konan frowned, stepping between Morgan and Samantha. "How can flowers be angst-y? They don't look sad to me…it's all bright and colorful over there."

Samantha, who stood on Konan's other side, stroked her chin. "You know, I never thought of that…the name was just a given…oh look! They finally reached each other!"

"Stephanie!"

"Ariel!"

The two, slightly sobbing females were now clasped in a fierce hug, proclaiming their never ending friendship to each other as they did so. A rainbow appeared over their heads, a leprechaun sliding down into a pot of gold as flowers sprouted at their feet. Sparkles of Innocence and Youthful Flowers of Angst and Love spun through the air in a never ending fest of (YOUTHFUL!) love, and Brandi twirled about around them, singing:

"_I feel pretty!_

"_Oh so pretty!_

"_I feel pretty, and witty, and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"_

Konan, Morgan, and Samantha all simultaneously twitched.

"That might just be, the most horrifying thing, I have ever seen. In. My. Life." Samantha shuddered, as though to emphasize her statement.

"Okay!" Ariel and Stephanie seemed to snap out of whatever friendly little moment they were having, and the former then approached the group with the latter, leaving poor little Brandi to mourn the sudden disappearance of her new friend--Rainbow Sliding Leprechaun Man--who went away with the flowers and sparkles and rainbow. "Now that we're all here, let's get to work!"

So, all six of the females made their way to the kitchen. As they prepared the ingredients that they would be using to make--you guessed it--chocolate, Stephanie suddenly stopped, rounding on the other five. "Hey, wait a second, where are all the boys?"

"Well," Konan began, "Kisame's off at Sea World--"

"Apparently he's having an affair with one of their sting rays," Ariel interrupted.

"--Zetsu's wandering through Africa somewhere--"

"He's on a romantic getaway with a nice little apple tree he met last week, it would seem," Morgan butted in.

"--Kakuzu's in a field somewhere in Ohio, being paid to act as a scarecrow--"

"Not that he didn't bring along his lover, a blow-up doll from The Wizard of Oz of Scarecrow," Samantha added.

"--and the other six are all out running errands," she finished.

"Yep, completely unaware of what surprise we have in store for them," Brandi giggled.

"Huh," Stephanie 'huh-ed', "what kind of errands are they running?"

The five grinned mischievously at each other. "Oh, just _little _things here and there…"

* * *

(Miles Away…)

* * *

"Don't touch that!"

"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!"

"Hidan! Don't talk like that in front of the children, un!"

"YOU try not cursing when there's a fuckin' five year old putting wadded gum in YOUR hair! Ouch! Why you little bitch!"

"Hidan-san! No! She's a good girl! Just like Tobit is a GOOD BOY!"

"Uchiha! Get over here and help us with these kids!"

"Uchiha do not play with children."

"No, they just let fuckin' preschoolers braid their damn hair, right? Jashin, you're a pansy, fuckin' hypocrite."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Tobi is still a good boy!"

"SHUT UP, UN!"

* * *

(Back With The Girls…)

* * *

Stephanie observed the girls' looks of sadistic pleasure, and shook her head. "I should fear for their lives, shouldn't I?"

"Maybe…"

"Anyway!" Samantha picked up an egg, brandishing it high in the air. "Let's make that chocolate!"

* * *

(Ten Disastrous Attempts At Cooking Later…)

* * *

The six females huddled behind the upturned table, cocoa, eggs, milk, and various other ingredients splattered upon every visible surface of the kitchen. Cautiously, they peeked over at the mass of…well, they weren't really sure quite what it really was…that seemed to be _moving_ on the far counter.

"Konan," Brandi whispered urgently, "I think it's _alive._"

Ariel narrowed her eyes at the being, her hand sparking small bits of electricity dangerously. "Let's kill it."

The others nodded in agreement.

* * *

(About Fifteen Minutes Later…)

* * *

The six girls stood, triumphant, in a clean kitchen and with only a single black char mark on the floor where the once living mass of chocolate-that-wasn't-really-chocolate had been. As for the reason why it's clean? Simple, apparently Stephanie had some abilities over soap and water that no one had previously taken into account…

"Okay," Morgan began, holding her hands out to the table, Snickers, Hersheys, the Milky's of the Ways, and several Reese's peanut butter cups flowing from her sleeves into a large pile, "why don't we just melt these down and put them in molds?"

The girls looked at one another. "Agreed."

* * *

(Hours Later…)

* * *

When Tobi, Pein, Deidara, Itachi, and Hidan arrived home, they were in for the shock of their lives.

Pein's body stiffened, and he collapsed against the wall.

Deidara began rocking back and forth, cradling himself and whispering false securities.

Hidan convulsed on the floor, gripping his rosary as he prayed to his god.

Itachi's Sharingan whirled dangerously.

Tobi…well, Tobi was Tobi. He was overjoyed.

"Yay!" Tobi squealed. "It's so pretty!"

"It's fucking pink!" Hidan snarled from the floor. "Everything's fucking _pink _and_ red_ and _white_! What the fuck man?!"

"You mean you don't like the decorations?"

The four men spun to face the six girls, who now stood in the doorway of the kitchen.

"_YOU!_" Hidan snarled, hopping up to stand once more. "Stephie-bitch! What the hell are you doing here?!"

Said accused female regarded Hidan impassively, before launching herself onto him so they toppled to the floor, where she began stabbing him repeatedly with a sharp kitchen utensil.

The others watched in morbid fascination as she stood, wiping the blood off on a nearby couch cushion, and pressed a foot onto his abused chest. "I think that should remind you of several of the reasons you should be happy for my presence."

A groan of pain-pleasure was all that could be heard as a response.

"Damn, that's kinky, un," Deidara spoke.

"Noooo!!" Ariel cried, latching onto Stephanie tightly. "What happened to the innocent little Stephie I know and love? I mean, this one's cool and badass and all, but stiiiiillll!" She sniffled.

"Ariel, stop whining," Morgan chastised. "You're starting to sound like Brandi."

"I resent that!" Brandi and Ariel spoke at the same time.

"Shut up." Samantha went to the kitchen for a moment, returning shortly after with several packages in red and pink. "Okay, give these to your respective males."

The girls each took their package, before shyly giving them to the object of their affections. The boys, afraid what might happen if they didn't open them, unwrapped the gifts to find various bits of chocolate in odd shapes.

Sasori's looked like puppets.

Deidara's were bomb shaped.

Tobi's looked like miniature imitations of his mask.

Pein's appeared to be replicas of his various piercings in chocolate form.

But Itachi's was by far the most interesting.

"Foolish little Sasuke," Itachi murmured, holding up a bit of chocolate that appeared to be in the shape of a chicken.

The men began eating, pausing after the first bite. "This tastes…interesting, un."

"…did you all put something in this?" Sasori asked, licking his lips contemplatively. "It seems as though all my favorite candy bars have been meshed together into one, oddly tasting, yet not quite unpleasant piece of chocolate."

The girls' eyes shifted nervously. "Noooo."

He looked at them curiously for a moment, then shrugged it off and continued eating the different-but-still-somewhat-pleasing candy.

"So, Konan," Pein asked as he ate another piece, "what's this for? Special occasion?"

The men froze as the temperature in the room dropped several degrees, and a dark cloud suddenly seemed to hang over everything. "You mean…you don't know?"

Pein gulped. "Know what?"

The six girls clenched their fists. "You mean to tell us you all _forgot what day it is?!_"

Pein shivered. "Forgot what day is what?"

This only angered the females more, and their eyes narrowed.

"This. Means. War," Ariel bit out. Sasori cringed.

Stephanie calmly took a long paddle, slapping it against her hand menacingly. Hidan--who'd managed to get off the floor after a few minutes--sank into the couch cushions warily.

Morgan reached into the innermost area of her shirt sleeve, and pulled out Jack Sparrow's Rum, taking a swig before smashing it against the nearby wall--leaving her with jagged bits of glass attached to the neck. Tobi quaked in his mask.

Samantha narrowed her eyes, random fang popping over her bottom lip as the Flames of Hell gathered about her feet. Itachi, for the first time ever, feared for his life.

Konan built and crushed origami statues of Pein in rapid succession. Pein gulped.

In a flash, all six had disappeared upstairs, whereto exactly, none of them knew--and none of them really wanted to know, either.

"Hey, guys, un," Deidara stated, looking at the calendar on the nearby wall. "I think I know why they're so upset, un."

Sasori walked over to look, then groaned, banging his head on the wall.

"What the hell is it?" Hidan demanded.

"February fourteenth, un," Deidara replied, turning to the Jashinist, "Valentine's Day."

Hidan paled considerably. "Fuck."

* * *

(Upstairs With The Girls…)

* * *

"Who's room are we going to plan in?" Samantha asked when each girl stood uncertainly in the middle of the hallway. Everyone looked at each other for a second, then Brandi broke the silence.

"Oh, oh me!" she cried. "Let's do it in my room!"

The girls shrugged, and decided to go along with it. They regretted this decision, however, when they were all crammed on the bed, trying to avoid the floor.

"Gods, Brandi, it's like the seventh level of hell passed through here or something," Morgan cautiously peeked over the edge of the bed. "How long has it been since you've actually seen your floor?"

Brandi shrugged. "Two months?"

Samantha raised an eyebrow at her. "Brandi, we haven't been _living here _for two months. We've only been here since Christmas!"

"Hey Brandi," Ariel asked, poking a rancid T-shirt that had seen better days. "If I look under this, will I find the missing link between man and ape?"

Brandi shrugged again. "Maybe."

As though to accent her point, the shirt sprouted legs from seemingly nowhere, and ran over to hide beneath Deidara's bed against the far wall.

"…let's just figure this out so we can leave as soon as possible."

The others all nodded.

* * *

(An Hour Later…)

* * *

The boys all sighed wearily, depressed.

"They've been up there for an hour, un," Deidara broke the silence. "When do you think they'll come down?"

In answer to his question, all six girls traversed the stairs, until each one stood in front of their respective other half. They didn't have time to say anything, however, before said girls had, well, knocked them out cold.

* * *

(A Bit Later…)

* * *

As the six males came to, they all noticed that they were hanging suspended in midair, with a large television screen in front of them.

"Where are we, Leader-sama?" Sasori asked Pein.

Pein shook his head. "Not sure. I didn't think we had a room like this in the house."

Before anyone else could speak, the TV crackled into life. There, stood the silhouettes of six females, completely shrouded in black.

"Hello boys," one of them said. "We want to play a game."

They gulped.

"Below you is a vat of living Care Bears," another spoke. "And in just a moment an audio recording of Uchihacest will be playing over the nearby sound system. You have thirty seconds to answer the five questions about your respective partner correctly as they appear on the screen, before you are dropped into he vat with the Bears--where they will proceed to rape you in every sense of the word. Are you ready?"

"NO!"

"Wonderful, let the games begin."

* * *

(Thirty Seconds Later…)

* * *

All six men dropped.

That's right.

ALL SIX.

Those idiots didn't know a _thing_ about their girlfriends!

Well, now they would pay…

* * *

(Pein's Experience…)

* * *

Pein huddled in the corner of the vat, holding one shaky hand out. "P-please," he stuttered, "please, n-no…"

"Don't worry," one of the brightly colored bears insisted. "I'm sure we're going to be _best friends_…"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

(Sasori's Experience…)

* * *

"Hello there!" Sasori cringed at the high pitched, all too sweet voice.

"I heard you make puppets!" another said.

"Oh! Do you know Pinnochio?" a pink one asked, clinging to his leg.

The others all gasped, then glomped Sasori. "Pinnochio!" They cried. "Pinnochio, Pinnochio, Pinnochio!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

* * *

(Hidan's Experience…)

* * *

"Okay, now back away, you heathen mother fuckers…"

"But Hidan-san," one of the bears insisted, "we just want to be your friends!"

"Sure you do," the Jashinist replied, "and from there I'll be your buddy, then your best friend, and then you'll all go and rape my unsuspecting ass! Well I'm not fucking falling for it bitch bears!"

One of them gasped. "He's onto us!"

"Get him!"

And so the bears all attacked Hidan, who fought valiantly in his attempts not to be raped by several hundred talking stuffed bears, but in the end was overpowered by sheer numbers alone.

A moment of silence for Hidan's ass' lost virginity, please.

…

Thank you, continue with the story now.

* * *

(Tobi's Experience…)

* * *

"Hello there! Tobi is a good boy! Do you like chocolate? Tobi does! Morgie-pyon gave Tobi chocolate! And she let Tobi snort Nesquik last week, even though she said that I was being a bad boy. But then she chained Tobi up for a while, and Tobi was a good boy again! Do you think Tobi is a good boy?!"

The Care Bears huddled in the farthest corner of the vat, trembling. "St-stay away from us you Nesquik snorting freak!"

Tobi shrugged, then proceeded to dance around the vat, singing a made up tune all his own.

Because, as we all know, Tobi is a good boy.

* * *

(Itachi's Experience…)

* * *

Itachi glared at the bears, which stood around him in a circle, smiling with their beady little eyes and brightly colored fluff. He'd managed to keep them at bay with his Sharingan for now, but who knew how long that would last.

"Well well, if it isn't Itachi Uchiha."

Itachi turned around to face the bear that had spoken.

"Funshine Bear," he whispered, "we meet again."

The bear grinned demonically. "Indeed."

* * *

(Deidara's Experience…)

* * *

Deidara clung to the walls, kicking and biting all the bears that launched themselves at him.

"I rape because I care!" one cried, groping his ass.

"UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

(With The Girls…)

* * *

Six females grinned at the monitors on the wall in the room they were observing from. This was by far one of the best ideas they'd ever had.

Besides, it's not like they could retaliate, right?

* * *

(With The Boys (After The Experience)…)

* * *

"We must retaliate."

Five thoroughly mind (And some bodily!) fucked males looked up at the Uchiha like he was crazy.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hidan groaned, massaging his sore ass.

"We can not let them get away with this. It was an insult to our manly pride."

This statement made the other five curious as to what exactly might have happened between the Uchiha and Funshine Bear, but they didn't ask, as the Uchiha still refused to speak of the incident.

"How do you propose we do it, un?"

Itachi gave what could have been a grin, but was slightly bloodthirsty. His Sharingan whirled. "Simple, you insult the gender, and you insult them all by default."

"So, you mean…?"

"Yes, men. I think you all know exactly what I mean."

Hidan groaned once more. "Shit."

* * *

(In The Kitchen With The Females…)

* * *

The girls were just sitting there, minding their own business, happily talking about how they might torture their men next; when suddenly the lights dimmed, and six shadowy figures appeared in the doorway.

"You ask me why I change the colour of my hair," one sang. "You ask me why I need thirty two pairs of shoes," sang another.

"You seem to ask me why I gotta lotta things," sang the third. "It's just a chick thing," the fourth sang. "You outta let it go," the fifth sang as well. "You try to understand, but you don't have a clue," the sixth finished off.

A bright spotlight shone down suddenly, and the girls' mouths dropped open. For there stood the men, dressed as none other than the female shinobi of the hidden villages. As for who was who? Well…

Hidan: Temari

Itachi: Sakura

Deidara: Ino

Tobi: Hinata

Pein: Tsunade

Sasori: Tenten

"What," started Ariel.

"The," continued Brandi.

"HELL?!" finished all.

"_Thats what girls do! _

_"They keep you guessin' the whole day through _

_"Play your emotions _

_"Push all your buttons its true_

"_That's what girls do!"_

They watched in fascinated horror as the men sang, danced, and stripped (Mmmmm…) to the song.

It didn't take long for all of them to pass out, and at that point the guys did a victory dance, then left as swiftly as they'd come.

* * *

(A Bit Later…)

* * *

The girls all looked at each other, having once again converged in Brandi's room.

"You know we have to get back at them right?" Brandi said, nibbling absently on a cookie she'd found plastered to the ceiling.

The girls nodded.

She smiled. "Good, cause I know _just _the way to do it."

* * *

(With The Guys (Again)…)

* * *

The males, seemingly triumphant, rested leisurely on the couch. That is, until the lights dimmed there too, and six figures strut down the staircase singing in tune with each other.

"_I wear a greasy ball cap _

_"I like my shirt untucked _

_"I spend saturdays working on my truck _

_"I don't like to fight _

_"But I ain't scared to bleed _

_"Most don't mess with a guy like me."_

The guys twitched, frightened when they saw what was coming. The girls, you see, had decided to give them a taste of their own medicine--they, too, were dressed up. But as the male shinobi of the hidden villages. Once again, who is who? Well…

Konan: Sasuke

Samantha: Shikamaru

Brandi: Neji

Ariel: Gaara Morgan: Naruto

Stephanie: Lee

"_Guys like me drink to many beers on Friday after work _

_"Our best blue jeans have skoal rings _

_"We wear our boots to church _

_"So rough around the edges _

_"It's hard to believe that girls like you _

_"Love guys like me."_

To say that the men all became green in the face would be an understatement to the sickly purplish-orangish-greenish pallor that took up residence on their skin as their women gave them lap dances while dressed as men.

However, before any of them had time to pass out, Pein suddenly snapped to attention, his eyes widening. The music shut off, and the girls magically 'poofed' back into their normal outfits.

"What is it, Pein?" Konan asked, rubbing his head comfortingly.

"They are coming." Pein dived to his place under the stairs, hiding in the shadows.

"Who's coming?" Konan crouched next to him, attempting to get him to come back out.

"The fangirls!" he cried. "But this time, it's not just a few! It's an entire army, Konan! An _army!_"

Hidan paled. "Fuck."

Konan hissed. "Men! Man your battle stations! Code yellow, code _yellow!_"

"Konan," Ariel asked, "what's going on?"

"We always feared something like this might happen someday," she explained. "So, we're going to prepare to go into battle with our greatest of enemies: fangirls." She began running up the stairs, leaving the others to follow. They made it to the roof, where they looked out to find a sea of approaching fangirls.

"Valentine's Day must have excited them into a frenzy," Sam spoke, awed. "We don't have nearly enough people to handle them all!"

Brandi took a deep breath. "Leave it to me."

They watched as she disappeared back downstairs. "Where do you think she's going?"

"No idea." Samantha squinted. "Wait, is that-? No. Oh, no fucking way."

"What?" everyone asked.

"Chuck Norris," she answered.

They all cocked their heads. "Huh?"

"Chuck-fucking-Norris!" she cried. "He's the head of the Fangirl Army!"

"Damn," Ariel shook her head. "How did I know we hadn't seen the last of him?"

"Uh oh."

Everyone turned to Morgan. "What 'uh oh'?"

She pointed upward. "Look."

They did so, and promptly face-faulted.

"Are they _skydiving_?"

"_Naked_?"

"Into our _front lawn_?"

Yes, indeed they were. Apparently the fangirls had gotten so desperate, they'd taken to jumping from planes in the nude in an attempt at gaining their respective obsessions attentions.

"Well, I'll be damned," Hidan said, leaning over the side of the roof. "They really are that crazy."

Itachi narrowed his eyes in thought. "I have an idea."

All gave him their attention. "What?"

Without speaking, he dragged Deidara and Sasori to the front of the roof, where the fangirls could all see them, and forced their lips together in a brutal kiss.

"Oh."

"No."

"He."

"Did."

"Not."

These words were uttered by the five girls still on the roof. He had no idea, what he'd just unleashed.

"Itachi, you idiot!" Samantha grabbed him by the front of his cloak, yanking him towards her. "Do you know what you've done?! Sure, that may hold off the regular fangirls for a while, but you just invited the bigger dogs out to play!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The fangirl scream could be heard through the neighborhood, and the TFCC and Akatsuki had to cover their ears to keep from suffering permanent damage.

Horrified, Samantha looked out to the sea of fangirls to find that her worst nightmare had come true. "Yaoi Fangirls!"

"What's so bad about that, un? Aren't they all just fangirls?"

Ariel rounded on the blonde bomber. "You don't understand. These are _Yaoi Fangirls_. They are ten times more vicious than any normal fangirl you will ever face in your life!"

Deidara gulped.

"Hey," Morgan called suddenly, "where's Brandi? Is she still gone?"

Just then, the front door swung open, and everyone leaned over the roof-side to get a better look. Brandi emerged, wearing heavy silver armor and a sword strapped to her side. Behind, her followed…

"No way," Samantha gaped.

"Yes way," Ariel corrected, lips twitching upwards.

"She called upon the fucking mole people," Hidan clarified for all.

As they watched, Brandi rounded on her men, seated on the back of one of the larger mole people. She gave them a speech that seemed vaguely familiar.

"Isn't that from _Braveheart_, un?" Deidara asked. "Just with a few changed words?"

A few nods affirmed his suspicions.

"The may take our hearing with their fangirl screams," Brandi finished, "but they will never take, our _BISHIES!_"

A thunderous roar emerged from the mole people, as Brandi turned, and they all launched forward to do battle with the evil menace.

* * *

(A Few Hours Later…)

* * *

"I'm tired," Brandi whined.

"Yeah, well that's to be expected, un. You led and army today."

Brandi sighed, leaning back into Deidara more. "I know."

"Hey, guys!" Tobi pranced in, smiling for all he was worth at the rest of the Akatsuki and TFCC (Including unofficial fifth member Stephanie, who would be sticking around for a while yet.).

"What?" was the weary reply.

"We have a present for you!"

The girls' eyebrows raised. "We?"

The men grinned at each other, then stood, leading the girls into the kitchen.

The females gasped, tears coming to their eyes.

"It can't be…," Stephanie whispered.

"But it is…," Konan finished.

The six looked on in awe at the veritable mountain of ice cream that encompassed the kitchen, mouths drooling.

"We're sorry we forgot, un," Deidara explained from his position standing with the other guys, smug grins on their faces. "Consider this our apologies."

"Forgiven," Ariel stated. She looked contemplative for a moment, then grinned mischievously. "You know, I can think of a much better way we could use this ice cream rather than just eating it, can't you Sasori?"

The once-puppet man blinked. "Uh…"

Ariel grabbed a large bowl and filled it with ice cream, then dragged him upstairs, cackling evilly.

The other five grinned, and decided to follow her example, getting the ice cream, then heading upstairs.

Later, if you asked Hidan what he thought about how the day turned out, he would answer in five simple words.

Best.

Fucking.

Valentine's.

Day.

_EVER._

* * *

**The End**

**

* * *

**

So that's the third installment of TFCC. I honestly didn't think that it would get this big amongst my friends...of course, I didn't think the mini TFCC comics I draw in school would get that big amongst my friends either. (The whole TFCC thing started with little comics about seven months ago, and it was purely crack of me and my friends. It's not even well drawn--but it isn't 27terrible, either. You can tell who's who, and whatnot.) But it's up to Issue 27! And then there's the 5 envelope specials...and the unicorn Valentine's TFCC...So, really, 33...but you get the picture. I never though I'd actually TYPE a TFCC story...but it happened. I'm kinda shocked. I may not be able to show you the comics, but I can show you the written stuff! So here's number three in the written series, and hopefully number four will come soon! Thanks for reading!

Please REVIEW!!


	4. Operation: Morgan's BDay

**Hey guys.**

**Been a while since I updated, I know.**

**I'm not dead.**

**It's been hard is all, especially the last month or so.**

**You see, last month on March 20th...a good friend of mine committed suicide.**

**It's been trying. Everything reminds us constantly of her. She sat at our table, was at the birthday parties, she was apart of our little _family_, and now she's gone.**

**The first week after, I barely attended any classes--I was mainly in the mourning room at school, with the rest of my friends.**

**I've been crying a lot recently. And for a long time, I don't think anthing will be 'normal' like it was. The lunch table just feels so...empty, now, with that extra seat. **

**I'd like to ask a favor of those who are reading this. If you could please, just please, pray for her in heaven. I don't care if your atheist, christian, judaism, hinduism, islam, whatever...**

**If you could please, just spare a minute, and pray for her? It would a lot to me and the rest of the TFCC, and her family. We miss her very much.**

**She loved Elmo and John Deere. She was in your face, and if she had a problem with you, she told you. She hated almost everything girly. She carried a plush Elmo on a keychain that laughed when you pressed it's tummy. If she saw us grieving and crying for her now, she'd probably whack us upside the head with a hammer for doing so. **

**She died March 20th, 2009. Her birthday was March 21st.**

**She would have been sixteen.**

**Her name was Cassie.**

* * *

The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks

Operation: Morgan's B-Day

* * *

"Can I have a cookie?"

"No."

"Can I _please_ have a cookie?"

"_No._"

"…"

"…"

"Can I have a cookie now?"

"_NO god dammit!_"

Morgan stamped her foot to accent her point this time. Brandi continued to look up at her with big, pleading puppy eyes. However, when it became apparent that Morgan would not give in to her efforts, Brandi proceeded to throw herself to the ground at the other's feet.

"Please!" she cried. "I have to have a cookie! You don't understand!"

"Oh, I understand perfectly," Morgan replied, not budging an inch even with the deceptive tears leaking from Brandi's overly large eyes. "I understand that you are addicted. Just like Tobi's addicted to Strawberry Nesquik."

"That's different!" the in denial cookie addict claimed. "I don't snort cookies! I eat them!"

"That doesn't change anything."

"Yes it does!"

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does!"

"No. It. Doesn't."

"Yes it does!"

"NO. It-"

"SHUT UP!"

The two girls paused in their fight to turn to the other members, Ariel and Samantha, who looked positively annoyed.

"Brandi, here's a cookie," Samantha tossed said treat somewhere on the staircase, where the cookie-loving brunette ran to catch it, little flowers floating randomly in the air behind her, "and Morgan…"

Ariel finished her sentence, "We're sending you on errands!"

Morgan raised a brow. "Errands? Why me?"

Ariel grabbed her by the shoulders, and began pushing toward the door. "Because you're available!" She opened the front door, thrusting a set of keys into her hand. "Here's the keys to the Akatsuki Mobile-"

"I don't know how to drive!"

"-and here's the list of things we need you to do!" She stuffed a two-foot list into her other hand. "Now…have fun!"

And suddenly, Morgan found herself pushed into the front lawn, the door slamming closed behind her.

Morgan blinked. "Ooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaay…"

* * *

(Back Inside…)

* * *

Ariel leaned against the door, sighing in relief. "Phase one, complete."

"Alright." Samantha clapped her hands. "Now, Deidara, Tobi," the two boys appeared from the stairs and saluted, "you'll do reconnaissance. Follow her and alert us to her movements."

"Yes ma'am! (un!)" both shouted, then disappeared to prepare.

"Okay. Now Brandi, you-…Brandi…Brandi?…Where's Brandi?"

"Umm…," Ariel pointed to the couch, where the hyperactive TFCCan was cuddling with her cookie.

"And I shall pet you, and love you, and name you Squishy! Because that's what you'll feel like when you get to my tummy!" She rubbed the dessert lovingly against her cheek.

"BRANDI!"

"Waaah!" Brandi jumped, and the cookie flew from her hands, crashing into the wall and shattering into hundreds of tiny inedible pieces. "NOOOOOO!!!!"

"Brandi!" Samantha called again, dragging the sobbing mess to her feet. "Pay attention! It's time to begin phase one!"

Brandi sniffed, wiping her eyes. "Ph-phase one? Phase one of what?"

Ariel grinned, putting an arm around the cookie deprived child. "Phase one of Operation: Morgan's Birthday Surprise."

With Morgan…

"Okay," Morgan mumbled to herself, pulling into the Walmart parking lot, "let's see what we got here."

Morgan did a quick scan over the list, her eyes widening as she read it aloud to herself. "Bananas…whipped cream…candles…sensual body oils…a** whip**…leather _bustier?!_…eggs fresh from a chicken…three horse tail hairs…?…straw…chocolate flavored edible _thongs?! _Are those even real?!…a child's front tooth? WTF?…one of the lifesize Ronald McDonald's plastic figures that always sat outside the restaurant that little kids sat on…a male whore…a baby crib…and Nesquik."

Morgan stared at the list, her eyes swiveling between it and the front entrance of Walmart visible through the windshield.

"…I don't think I'm gonna find all that at Walmart…"

* * *

(Back At The House…)

* * *

"Hey, Itachi? Can I ask you something?"

Itachi turned from his task of hanging paper flowers to the banister on the staircase to his red-haired once puppet companion. "Hn?"

Sasori hesitated, seeming unsure of himself for a moment before answering. "Do…do you think Ariel's…cheating on me?"

Itachi blinked slowly. "Hn."

"I mean, she's been really _secretive _lately."

"Hn."

"And, thing is, when I'm near our room I can always hear her _talking_ to someone."

"Hn?"

"But when I walk in, there's no one there!"

"Hn!"

"And she looks all innocent when I ask her who she was speaking to, denying everything."

"Hn~!" "And she's been buying weird things lately."

"Hn?!"

"She bought a lot of clothe, like she's making clothes, but won't tell me who for!"

"o_o"

"…Itachi…?"

"?_?"

"You're not seriously answering me with emoticons now are you?"

"^_^"

"…okay, one, what the hell, and two, how is that even possible?"

"-/_\-"

"…that's just creepy…"

"+_+"

"…I'm going to go on the assumption you're having _another_ bout of temporary insanity, and ignore you."

"-_-"

"…whatever you say, Itachi, whatever you say…"

"0////0"

* * *

(With Brandi, Sam, and Ariel…)

* * *

"Okay, what about this one?"

Samantha observed the piece of clothing Ariel held up, drumming her fingers on her chin contemplatively.

"It's just…it doesn't have that distinguishingly sexy flare, you know?"

Ariel blinked, lowering the clothes. "I think it's distinguishingly-sexy-flarey-enough…"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Ariel, _look _at it."

She blinked, and peered down at the billowing, ruffled white shirt that opened to mid-chest, and a pair of loose black leather breeches. By her feet lay a pair of soft, calf-length leather brown boots and belt.

"…what's wrong with it?"

"Ariel," Sam sighed, "if Tobi wore that, he'd look like a pirate."

"BUTT PIRATE!" Brandi butted in from nowhere.

"Shut up!"

Brandi whimpered, retreating to what she'd recently dubbed her Emo Corner, completely with glowing neon sign and overly depressive atmosphere.

"Ahem, anyway," Sam turned back to Ariel, "he'd look like a pirate."

Ariel sniffed, a little miffed. "What wrong with pirates? They're sexy."

"In movies, yeah. But Tobi wouldn't make a good pirate."

"How do you know?!"

Sam smiled triumphantly. "Because he'd look_ so _much better in this!"

She whipped out a sleeveless black leather vest, which criss-crossed over the chest, painted on black leather pants, thigh-high black leather steel-toed boots, and fingerless black leather gloves.

"…Sam?"

"Yes?" she replied, staring adoringly at the outfit she'd created.

"He'd look like a bondage slave wearing that."

"See! It's perfect!"

"…," takes deep breath, "okay. Sam, think about this for a second. Tobi. Bondage. Does not compute."

"…you know what, you're right." Sam gave her ensemble one last adoring look. "I'll just have to have Itachi wear it later."

* * *

(In Another Part Of The House..)

* * *

Itachi violently sneezed, head knocking against the wall and tissue paper flying from his hands.

"Itachi? You okay?"

Itachi turned to stare at Sasori briefly for a moment, before nodding his head. "Hn."

"Well at least he's not speaking in emoticons anymore," Sasori mused. "That knock to the head must have done something good."

* * *

(Back Where We Left Off Before That Totally Random And Pointless Venture…)

* * *

"So, what do we do about his attire then? If Tobi can't be a pirate and he can't be a bondage slave, what can he be?!"

Samantha sighed, falling back onto the bed (the girls were in her room right now). "We'll figure it out. But one thing is certain."

"What?"

"We are _keeping_ the leather pants."

Ariel agreed.

Off in her corner, Brandi paid no attention to the other two girls. She was too busy talking to the mushrooms she was cultivating.

"Why thank you mushroom! You have a beautiful color as well. Gosh, I don't know why I don't talk to you guys more--you make _such_ good conversation!"

And if the mushrooms replied, Brandi was the only one that heard.

* * *

(With Morgan…)

* * *

Moran had currently just finished shopping at Walmart, and was checking her list after loading the items into the Akatsuki Mobile (which was really just an old ice cream truck with the word 'Akatsuki' and a red cloud spray painted on the side).

Bananas

Whipped cream

Candles

Sensual body oils

Whip

Leather bustier

Eggs fresh from a chicken

Three horse tail hairs

Straw

Chocolate flavored edible thongs

A child's front tooth

One of the lifesize Ronald McDonald's plastic figures

A male whore

Baby crib

Nesquik

Morgan sighed.

It seemed Victoria's Secret was next on her list…

* * *

(With Tobi and Deidara, AKA, The Mission Stalkers…)

* * *

"This is soooooo boooorrring, un."

"Tobi is a GOOD BOY!"

"…-sobbing noise-…"

* * *

(With Sasori…)

* * *

Sasori took a deep breath as he walked up the stairs.

It was now or never.

Taking slow steps, he came to a stop at the front of the door to his and Ariel's room, ready for the worst. Then, abruptly he swung the door open.

"I KNEW IT!"

Ariel sat up quickly, the blankets ruffling around her body and the hammer she'd been cuddling with. "Sasori! It's not what you think!"

"Oh really?" he mocked, shaking his head incredulously. "Because from where I'm standing, it looks to me like you're in bed with another man!-er, hammer…"

Ariel hopped from the bed, running over to clasp Sasori's arm. "Wait, Sasori! I can explain!"

Unbeknownst to the two, Pein, Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Itachi, Kisame, Samantha, and Brandi had all gathered at the door and were watching the spectacle.

"Konan? You are getting all this on tape, right?"

"Every second."

"This is so fucking _awesome._"

"You think we could make money off this if we sell it to PBC?"

"Well I must say, **you people are more idiotic than I'd previously assumed.**"

"Hn, hn, hn, hnnnetty, hn."

"Itachi, you seriously need to work on your conversation skills."

"Hey Brandi, pass the popcorn."

"Okay!"

Sasori ripped his arm from Ariel's grip, rounding on her with his hands on his hips. "Oh really, what is it then?!"

Ariel giggled. "Sasori…you look totally GAY when you do that…"

The red head ground his teeth. "Answer. The. Question."

Ariel turned away dramatically, a hand rising to rest on her forehead. "Oh Sasori, I've been meaning to tell you! I just, I didn't know how!"

She suddenly burst into sobs and collapsed onto the floor, a spotlight shining down from above.

Sasori turned away, voice speaking in monotone with odd pauses between phrases. "I…don't know…if I can trust you…again…"

"This is like Days of Our Lives!"

"Shut up, Brandi!"

Ariel stood up, and took Sasori's hand in hers, the spotlight now enshrouding both. "But you have to, Sasori! You see, Marietta isn't my lover, he's your child!"

"KONAN~!"

"I'm getting it, Pein, I'm getting it!"

"Does anyone else find it a little fuckin' creepy that a _he _is named _Marietta_? Seriously."

"Does anyone else find it odd that she gave birth to a hammer?"

"This is extremely **disturbing.**"

"Hn-hn-hnnnn!" (Dun-dun-dunnn!)

"Oh, Morgan will _love_ this."

"It's even BETTER than Days of Our Lives!"

Sasori stared wide eyed at Ariel. "You mean?"

Ariel nodded. "Yes."

Sasori turned to the bed, and walked forward until he stood over the innocent hammer that rest there. Slowly, he picked it up, holding it to the spotlight.

"Hello, my son.

"Hello, Marietta."

* * *

(With Morgan…)

* * *

"This -pant- fucking -pant- SUCKS -pant-."

Morgan sat in the drivers seat of the Akatsuki Mobile, having just finished the task of running through Victoria's Secret, and avoiding all the annoying sales women that wanted to sell her scanty lingerie.

Looking at the list, she made note of what was left.

Bananas

Whipped cream

Candles

Sensual body oils

Whip

Leather bustier

Eggs fresh from a chicken

Three horse tail hairs

Straw

Chocolate flavored edible thongs

A child's front tooth

One of the lifesize Ronald McDonald's plastic figures

A male whore

Baby crib

Nesquik

Now she needed to find a farm…

* * *

(With Tobi and Deidara…)

* * *

"Those sales women are RABID, un."

"Tobi's still a good boy!"

"…why me, un? Why?"

* * *

(With Morgan, At A Random Farm…)

* * *

Morgan carefully nursed the black eye she now sported, wincing every time she brushed it.

Apparently horses don't like it when you pull their hair out of their tails…

Who knew?

She glared balefully down at the straw and three hairs she had just recently acquired. She'd be getting the eggs soon from the farmer man (under penalty of death) and then she'd be on her way to McDonalds.

Oh JOY.

* * *

(Ten Minutes Later, At McDonalds…)

* * *

"Holy shit!"

"Get her!!"

Morgan could now be seen running across the McDonalds parking lot, three of the staff chasing after her and some VERY angry six year olds clutching her pant legs.

As she arrived at the Akatsuki Mobile, Morgan grabbed the nearest six year old, and tossed him at the nearby McDonalds staff. Then, she punted the other over a nearby fence, uncaring of the fact that she'd just manhandled two small children.

Hopping in the car after tossing the plastic Ronald in the back and speeding down the street, narrowly missing several curbs as she did so, she sighed to herself and took out the list.

"Where to next?"

* * *

(With Tobi and Deidara…)

* * *

"I hate you Tobi, un."

"I'm STILL A GOOD BOY!"

"…I'm seriously contemplating your death, un."

* * *

(Back To Morgan…)

* * *

Morgan hung over the bed of a little boy, sparkling crown glittering in the glow of the nightlight. Of course, why the child was asleep with a nightlight at three in the afternoon totally escaped her…

"Hello, small child," she whispered, shaking the boy's shoulder gently.

The boy blinked slowly, smiling up at her lazily. "Are you the tooth fairy?"

Morgan grinned, a barely noticeable twitch in her right eye. "Yes. I am the freakin' tooth fairy."

The boy frowned suddenly. "But, I'm not missing a tooth…and aren't you supposed to be three inches tall?"

Morgan narrowed her eyes. "Just give me the damn tooth, kid!"

Then, she promptly reached forward and jerked his front tooth from his mouth, ignoring his screams of protest, and shrugging away any guilt with the thought that it would have come out eventually--with or without her help.

After crawling through the boy's window, which had been her means of entering, she shredded the horrid costume she'd donned for the event and looked at her list to see what was left.

Bananas

Whipped cream

Candles

Sensual body oils

Whip

Leather bustier

Eggs fresh from a chicken

Three horse tail hairs

Straw

Chocolate flavored edible thongs

A child's front tooth

One of the lifesize Ronald McDonald's plastic figures

A male whore

Baby crib

Nesquik

Well, it seemed that all that was left was a male whore.

…

Oh dear lord.

Morgan slapped her forehead. Where was she going to get one of those?

A passing hobo caught her attention, and she smiled wickedly.

This would do nicely.

* * *

(Five Minutes Later…)

* * *

Morgan buckled her seatbelt, ignoring the muffled cries of the bound hobo in the back, and prepared to leave for the house once more.

Suddenly, Morgan's nose jerked into the air, and her eyes narrowed.

"…I smell Nesquik…"

* * *

(With Tobi and Deidara…)

* * *

"Tobi! Put the Nesquik away, un!

"But Tobi _needs_ it!"

"I don't care! Look, she's leaving, un! We have to beat her back!"

"…-sniffles-…Nesquik…"

* * *

(At The House…)

* * *

"Morgan should be here any minute! Where are Tobi and Deidara?!"

Just then the front door opened. "Tobi's he-"

"There you are!" Samantha threw Tobi into Brandi's arms, who began to strip him and dress him into the appropriate attire.

"Okay, everyone ready? She'll be here in five, four, three, two-"

The door opened, and Morgan waltzed in. "Hey guys, what's-?"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Morgan blinked at the sight presented before her. The whole group stood, Tobi in a _deliciously_ scrumptious outfit of orange silk shirt and painted on leather pants, smiling at her with decorations on every part of the house she laid her eyes on.

"…is this why you sent me on errands?"

"Yep!" Samantha put an arm around her shoulders. "Most of that is for you and Tobi, who will have a night with no distractions, but some stuff was for others."

Ariel came back inside (When had she left?!) the objects from the Akatsuki Mobile trailing behind her. "Thanks for the horse hairs and straw! I needed new voodoo equipment!"

Hidan stepped forward then, scanning the items.

"Where's my sacrificial male whore?"

"Right here." Morgan gestured to the hobo.

"…that's a fuckin' hobo."

"No, it's a male whore."

"It's a hobo."

She narrowed her eyes dangerously. "_It's a male whore._"

Hidan gulped. "It's a male whore."

She smiled. "Good boy."

"So, Morgan," Ariel stepped up to her other side. "Why don't you take Tobi over there and go upstairs--have some fun with your new toys, eh? We can eat cake and stuff later."

Morgan grinned devilishly. "Okay."

They disappeared in five seconds.

Brandi whimpered. "But I wanted cake now."

Deidara cuddled her sympathetically. "You can have some later, un."

On the couch, Ariel and Sasori were cuddling the 'baby', who was wrapped in a blue boy's blanket.

"Isn't he adorable, Sasori?"

"He is. Oh! He has your eyes. Your evil, fear inspiring, demonic eyes."

"That's so sweet."

Hidan, who had been prodding Kakuzu with his toe, as the old man had passed out upon realizing how much had been bought, paused and looked up at the two.

"It's a fucking _hammer_. It' doesn't _have _eyes. _Seriously_."

Samantha put an arm around Itachi. "Sooo…odd day?"

"Hn."

"You have such a way with words.

* * *

(Later That Night…)

* * *

Hidan lay asleep in bed, perfectly content, when suddenly he awoke to a pressure being added to his abdomen. Opening his eyes, who should he find but Stephanie-the unofficial fifth member of the TFCC?!

"Dude what the fuck are you doing here? The story's practically fucking over!"

Stephanie stared down at him, obviously not amused.

"…just shut up and fuck me."

Hidan happily obliged.

* * *

**The End**

* * *

Hi guys.

I know, it's been a while since I updated anything...

It's just, the last few weeks and stuff have been particularly hard for me, and my friends. (Which includes the rest of the TFCC)

I'm sure you understand, if you read the top note.

Thanks for your patience.

Please review!

Ja ne.

vampgirl8


	5. IT'S A CONTEST!

**Hi guys!!**

**Yes, I know, it's been a long time...**

**But, those reading this story understand. **

**I know everyone HATES A/Ns, but this is important!**

**I had the next chapters of How the Kitten Tamed the Cat; Of Ice and Sand; and Secrets of Willow almost done--**

**But then, I lost my flash drive.**

**Don't worry, I know it's in my room SOMEWHERE, and I'll find it sometime...**

**But until then, I'll either have to retype those chapters or wait until I do find it.**

**Anyway, I've started work on the next chappie for TFCC, BUT I need some help from you guys.**

**I need four OCs to play the role of rivals for the TFCC in this chappie, and I can't think of any! So I thought, 'why not ask the readers?' **

**But here's the thing--who to ask?**

**So, here's the idea--a contest.**

**You can do one of two things-fan story or fan art.**

**Here are the rules for the FAN STORY:**

**1. Story must be at least 1000 words long, and a one shot.**

**2. Must have at least two of the TFCC in the story.**

**3. Finally, you must use the line "But Tobi NEEDS it!" somewhere in the story.**

**Rules for FAN ART:**

**1. Must be a scene from one of the chapters in TFCC.**

**2. Include the quote that inspired the scene in the picture.**

**3. Try and make it funny. (Not that that'd be really hard to do...)**

**If you choose to write a fan story, give a review with the title of the story in it, and in the story's summary put 'For vampgirl8's TFCC Fan Contest'. **

**If you choose to draw fan art, send in a review or PM saying that you've drawn the picture, and put the link on your profile. Make sure you clearly indicate it's for this contest.**

**Thanks guys! **

**The Deadline is July 10, 2009. I'll put links on my profile of all the entries then, and post a poll so that everyone can vote for their favorite! The poll results, the rest of the TFCC, and I will then decide on the winners. THERE WILL BE FOUR WINNERS!**

**I will announce these winners on July 15, 2009. **

**Thanks for reading this, and remember the biggest rule of all!**

**HAVE FUN WITH IT!**

**Thanks much--**

**~vampgirl8**


	6. CGSDay and Tobi's Brilliant Plan

vampgirl8: Hey, guys. O.o It's been a while since I last updated this story. sorry about that. It's just, you know that contest, the one from the last chapter? Yeah...

**No. One. Entered.**

**That bummed me out a bit. But still, to make up for the long wait, I've given you the longest chapter of this story yet. (I'm totally serious.)**

**Please review, it boosts morale. **

**Oh, and if you'd tell me which parts, which lines, which TFCCans, are your faves, I'd really appreciate it. **

**Thanks. Have fun reading!**

**

* * *

**

The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks

**Christ-Giving-Sam-Day and Tobi's Brilliant and Cunning Plan**

* * *

Something was up.

Samantha observed the calm about her with suspicion. Kisame cooed at a goldfish in a bag--didn't want to know where he'd gotten that one--while making kissy faces at it, Kakuzu threatened someone on the phone about weapons prices; Hidan sacrificed what looked to be a Hannah Montana voodoo doll to Jashin; Zetsu was sitting beneath the sunlit window attempting photosynthesis; Pein was in the fetal position beneath the stairs mumbling about 'fangirls' and 'Don't let them touch me there, Mommy' while Konan tried to coax him out; Tobi played with his Power Rangers; Sasori designed puppets in a sketchbook; Deidara groomed the mouths on his hands; Itachi meditated in the corner with an expression of utter serenity; Morgan read the latest issue of _Vampire Knight_; Ariel surfed the net on her Netbook (Named Waldo the Second.); Stephanie was painting her nails and appealing shade of purple; and Brandi was cuddled next to Deidara on the couch happily doing crossword puzzles.

Brandi. _Crossword puzzles_.

Oh yes, something was very, very wrong.

"Um," Samantha began, "are you guys…okay?"

"Mm-hm," Brandi mumbled. "Hey, does anyone know what a six letter word for aesthetically appealing is?"

"Bloody."

"Puppet."

"Uchiha." "Sasori!" "Nickel."

"Boom!!"

Brandi paused at the last suggestion. "Deidara, 'boom' only has four letters."

"Oops."

"Pretty," Tobi sighed, stroking the head of the pink ranger longingly.

"Hey, that fits!" The brunette scribbled in the word. "Thanks, Tobi!"

He ignored her in favor the action figure's attentions. Because we all know the pink ranger so totally has a thing for orange masked men.

Samantha's eye twitched dangerously, and she could practically _feel_ the Flames of Hell™ beginning to lick the soles of her feet in impatience.

…that is, until a pen soared through the air and hit her squarely between the eyes. Then she just got pissed.

"Don't steal the twitch, bitch," Brandi said, not looking up from her crossword as she reached into her pocket and emerged with another pen.

Sucking in a calming breath and forcing the Flames back, Samantha crossed her arms expectantly. "Seriously, what's going on? We haven't had an issue for anything since before last _summer._ Nothing, zip, zilch, nada! You can't honestly tell me you aren't planning _anything?_ Nothing to make up for Christmas? Thanksgiving? Some kind of mix of Christmas and Thanksgiving called Christgiving?"

"Nope," Ariel popped the 'p,' "but that last one sounds like a good idea. Why don't we try it? Samantha, why don't you go buy some presents for everyone and we'll set things up here? We could have Christgiving tonight if we want to!"

"Why do I have to buy all the presents?"

"Stop grumbling, it's not like you'll be the only one. We can't exacting buy presents together, can we? That'd spoil the surprise!"

Cursing under her breath, Samantha rolled her eyes and left the room.

A few minutes later she pulled out of the driveway, and the second the Akatsuki Mobile disappeared, all Hell broke loose in the Akatsuki living room.

"Oh God! It BURNS!" Brandi tossed the crossword away, rubbing her hands along Deidara's cloak. "I can't believe you made me act intellectual!"

"It's the only thing we had on short notice," Ariel frowned. "It's not like we could let you get all hyped up on cookies right now--you babble when you're hyper." The small brunette sobbed in Deidara's chest in answer.

Morgan blew a strand of hair from her eyes, carefully setting the book on the table. "Well, I suppose we should start setting up for Sam's party then. The girl probably forgot today's even her birthday."

"Yep." Ariel snapped her fingers. "Tobi!"

The masked man ran from the room, returning moments later with very big, very familiar book. Handing it to Ariel, she cackled with glee as she began murmuring ancient words of some forgotten language over it.

"Hey," Morgan whispered in recognition, "isn't that--?"

"It is," Ariel confirmed. Holding it in front of her, she opened the tome so the pages faced a portion of the room. "Have fun."

"Wai--!" In a bright flash, Morgan, Tobi, Brandi, Kisame, Kakuzu, and, oddly enough, a young man with glasses and longish dirty blond hair named Justin three states away in his apartment, all disappeared.

"What?" Deidara's head snapped back and forth as he searched the room with one blue eye. "Where did you send them, un?"

"Nowhere that's of your concern," Ariel replied gleefully. "Now then, let's get to business, shall we? Pein, Konan, you two can decorate the house appropriately...if you ever get Pein to come out, that is. Zetsu, you can help--huh? Where's Zetsu?"

"I believe he's in the greenhouse fornicating with his apple tree girlfriend," Sasori answered, reclining in his armchair.

Ariel blinked, "…oh."

* * *

(In The Greenhouse…)

* * *

"Oh, Apple-Bellum," Zetsu purrs. "What would I ever do without you?"

The tree doesn't answer.

"I love it when you're catty!"

* * *

(Back Inside…)

* * *

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to nix him from the plan." Ariel tugged Sasori off the armchair. "Sasori, you, Itachi, and Deidara are coming with me to get Sam's present."

"What about us?" Stephanie asked, gesturing to Hidan.

"Oh, you two are going to go slaughter and cook a turkey. This may all be in pretense for Sam's B-day, but damn it she had a point! We are going to have Christ-Giving-Sam-Day. Officially. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and her birthday all in one."

"Woo-hoo!" Hidan shouted, jumping up and unsheathing his scythe. "Let's go kill us some turkey-bitches!" Grabbing Stephanie, he tossed her over his shoulder and jumped from the nearest window.

Clucking her tongue, Ariel shook her head. "That was highly unnecessary."

"Indeed," Itachi monotoned, "but you know Hi--"

He stopped abruptly as something from the corner of his eye caught his attention. Swiveling, his gaze landed on a hammer, leaning against the wall a few feet away. He stared at it oddly for a moment, then turned back. "…never mind."

"Okay, then." Ariel pivoted to the stairs, hand thrust triumphantly in the air. "Let us commence!"

"Where are we going, un?" Deidara asked, following Sasori and Itachi as they traversed the stairs to the second floor.

Ariel grinned over her shoulder. "Why, the underground city of the mole people, of course!"

* * *

(In A Land Far, Far Away…)

* * *

Morgan groaned as she returned to consciousness, rubbing her head to relieve the sudden headache that rested there. Looking around, she realized she was lying in front of an old-fashioned farm house, and in front of her was some sort of city square. A few steps to her right, a pair of feet in black and white striped socks appeared to have curled in on themselves.

"Well," she said resignedly, "this is odd."

In a bush a few feet away, something began to whimper as it crawled from the foliage. A young man, with glasses and longish dirty blond hair pulled himself to his feet, blinking in astonishment at the things around him. "Where am I?"

Morgan shrugged, about to reply, but stopped when she noticed something about her shoulder. It was oddly puffy. Looking down at herself, she did a double-take at the site of sparkly red shoes.

"Fuck," she hissed, not caring that she was starting to use Hidan's questionable vocabulary, glaring at the puffy blue dress she now wore, and the whicker basket hanging from her left arm. "The Wizard of Oz. The god damn, mother fucking Wizard of Oz. You've really done it this time, Ariel."

"Um, excuse me," the young man began, approaching warily with a finger in the air, "do you know where we are?"

Glancing at the top of the boy's head, Morgan noted the furry, dirty blond appendages that probably hadn't been there before. "Judging by the ears on your head, you must be Toto."

"Wha…?" He reached up, gasping when his fingers brushed the soft fur of his newly acquired, perky puppy ears. "What the hell?! Those weren't there before!" He paused, her words catching up with him. "Wait, you said 'Toto.'" Looking around with new eyes, his brow furrowed. "Are…are we in The Wizard of Oz?"

Ignoring him, Morgan reached out to pat his head between his ears. "Aw, what a cute puppy." Humming, Morgan stroked his ears. "But I don't want to call you Toto. It's only fair I change your name since I refuse to go by Dorothy. But what to call you?" she mused.

Narrowing his eyes in annoyance, the boy crossed his arms. "My name is Justin. Not Toto, and not whatever else you come up with." Seeing she was paying him absolutely no mind, Justin bristled. "Excuse me? Are you listening?! I said my name is Justin! Geeze, you'd think I was speaking in barks for all you seem to care!"

"That's it!" Morgan pounded a fist into her palm. "Bark-Bark! That's your name now, okay boy? Huh?" She scratched his head. "Good boy."

"My name is not Bark-Bark!" Justin hissed. "It's--Ooooooh…" He calmed as Morgan scratched a particularly sensitive spot behind one of his new ears. "That's niiiiiiiicceeeeee…"

"Good boy," she repeated. A sudden noise had Morgan looking around, finding that several little heads had popped out from their homes and were now observing them with awe. "Oh shit."

"THE WITCH IS DEAD!"

"Here we go."

"_Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! _

_"Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead. _

_"Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed. _

_"Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go, _

_"Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out. _

_"Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low. _

_"Let them know _

_"The Wicked Witch is dead!"_

Morgan rubbed the bridge of her nose with forefinger and thumb. "Oh please, shoot me now."

At that moment, a munchkin who could only be the Mayor approached Morgan.

"_As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally," _he sang. _"But we've got to verify it legally, to see,"_ began a second munchkin.

"_To see?"_ the Mayor repeated.

"_If she," _the munchkin continued.

"_If she?" _he mimicked.

"_Is morally, ethically--"_

"_Spiritually, physically--" _another munchkin interrupted the first.

"_Positively, absolutely--"_ started a third munchkin.

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Morgan shouted. "SHUT UP!"

The munchkins got quiet, staring at her, alarmed. Morgan took a deep breath, patting the whicker basket for reassurance unconsciously. "Look, she's dead, okay? Really, really dead. So dead that in a parallel universe she's alive and tap dancing in a pink tutu. So, please, stop singing. It's hurting my ears."

The munchkins looked mortally offended, and Morgan was just about to learn just why it was that you don't piss of a munchkin on it's own turf, when a bright pink ball sailed through the air and expanded into a person in front of them all.

"Am I late? Am I late?" the person said, straightening his frilly dress and crown, wand sparkling with stray glitter.

Justin pinched himself. Hard. Upon finding that, no, apparently this wasn't a dream, and he wouldn't be waking up any time soon, he promptly began sputtering. "I-is that _Chuck Norris_?!" Chuck Norris looked up at the mentioning of his name, brushing his hand one last time over the dress and straightening the bodice before addressing him. "Ah, what a cute little puppy. What a good boy Toto is!"

"Actually," Morgan corrected, not really surprised to see Chuck Norris in a dress--she remembered Samantha saying he'd had wings when he'd come to the undersea Cinderella thing playing the part of Fairy Godmother--and therefore having no trouble speaking to the cross-dresser, "I've decided to call him Bark-Bark."

"Ah," Chuck Norris nodded, "I see. Fine name."

"My name is Justin!"

"Thank you. It just seemed to fit him."

"It does, it does."

"Why are you ignoring me?!"

"I thought so, too. He's a bit loud though."

"Indeed. Perhaps you should consider a muzzle?"

"Am I speaking another language?!" Justin pulled on his hair in frustration. "Why can you not understand me?"

A giant puff of thick smoke exploded on the rim of a nearby fountain, an evil cackle filling the air.

"Who killed Wicked With of the West's sister?" a familiar voice called out, and the munchkins cowered. "Well?"

Morgan shook her head rapidly. "Tobi?"

Straightening from the menacing crouch he'd been in just moments before, Tobi waved cheerily. "Hello Morgie-pyon!"

"Tobi…," she trailed, "you're the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Yep!" Tobi spun his broom and did a little jig in his black dress. "Isn't Tobi cool?"

"Oh God," Morgan moaned. "When we get home, you and I are going to have a serious talk, Tobi. I've _told _you what I think about your odd dress fascination."

"Aww." Tobi's eye then alighted on Justin, and it widened to an enormously large, enormously adorable sparkling size. "…Puppy."

"Wha? Right, yeah. Tobi, this is Bark-Bark." Morgan gestured to Justin, who had frozen with goosebumps the moment Tobi had set that creepily happy eye on him.

"I'll get you Tobi's pretty!" Tobi yelled suddenly. "And your little dog too!"

With a slightly hysterical cackle, Tobi disappeared.

"He's not supposed to say that until later on, right?" Morgan asked aloud.

"It's Tobi," Chuck Norris said dryly, "you should hardly be surprised."

"Right." She adjusted her basket, smiling at Chuck Norris. "There's no need for you to stay, Chuck Norris. I already know what I have to do. I'll see you later!"

And with that, Morgan and Justin--who really didn't know what the hell else he could do--head out along the Yellow Brick Road.

"Good luck!" Chuck Norris called, waving his wand jovially.

"Good riddance," a pensive munchkin name Tipsy mumbled, having not liked the visitors at all.

A second later, Tipsy choked on a mouthful of glittery fairy dust as Chuck Norris disappeared in a poof. Tipsy then toppled to the ground, where he lay, choking on the glitter for three minutes before passing out from asphyxiation.

When Tipsy woke seven hours later in a garbage can behind a strip joint in downtown Munchkin City, and found that every time he spoke glitter came out of his mouth in puffs, he learned and important lesson.

"Karma's a bitch," he wheezed, glitter glistening in the air in front of his lips.

* * *

(A World Away…)

* * *

In northern Washington state, a little boy name Karma Adams was adding the final card to a house of cards built to look like the Empire State building to scale. Tip-toeing the top wrung of the step ladder, the child reached up to add the final Queen of Hearts when a sudden sneeze blew from his nose, and the entire thing collapsed.

Staring forlornly at the fallen cards, lip quivering, Karma slumped.

"…I hate my name."

* * *

(Back At The House…)

* * *

Samantha slammed the door behind her, breathing heavily as her eyes darted around the entrance way. Shakily, she removed her jacket and shoes, walking hesitantly into the living room.

"Guys?" she called as she entered. "Sorry, I couldn't get presents. I turned and came back as fast as I could, cause I think I hit a hobo and he's kinda dead--guys?" She blinked, realizing there was no one there to reprimand or, in Hidan's case, applaud her for the mindless slaughter of the homeless.

Spotting the book on the table, Samantha approached warily, feeling as though she knew it from somewhere…

It was only when the pages started to glow, and an odd sucking feeling began to tug on her, that she remembered it from her last birthday.

"Oh, fuck--"

She disappeared.

* * *

(In The Tunnels Beneath Brandi's Bed That Lead To The Underground City Of The Mole People…)

* * *

"We should be there soon," Ariel said, skipping merrily.

"Good," Sasori muttered, "the sooner we finish with this, the sooner we can get back."

"I don't like it here, un," Deidara whispered, glancing uneasily from side to side and gripping Sasori's cloak. "I feel like we're being watched."

"Nonsense, Deidara," Sasori reprimanded. "What could be following us down here?"

Itachi was oddly silent--well, more silent then usual--and vaguely frightened. His mind kept flashing back to when they'd first entered the tunnels by slipping beneath Brandi's bed. He could have _sworn_ that before he'd disappeared into the tunnel completely, he'd seen hammer, lounging against the doorframe…

"Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemon's," Ariel spoke into a two-way radio

"Why do you have that?" Sasori asked.

"We need to keep in touch with everyone's progress somehow," Ariel explained.

"And who is Throwing Away Life's Lemons?"

Ariel grinned slyly, "Morgan." Holding it up again, she continued, "Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. This is Otaku Fudgesicle, over."

* * *

(In Oz…)

* * *

Morgan jumped at the voice that sounded from the whicker basket on her arm. Staring at it in shock, she said aloud, "Did the basket just _talk_?"

"It was probably just something inside," Justin said, watching as she raised it in front of her face to better examine. "…and she's ignoring me. Again."

"Hm," Morgan hummed, "perhaps something inside made that noise!" Justin's eye twitched harshly.

Opening the basket, she pulled out a two-way radio, just as the voice came again.

"**Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. This is Otaku Fudgesicle, over."**

* * *

(In The Tunnels…)

* * *

"**Ariel…?"**

Said girl smiled as her friend's voice came over the radio. "Indeed, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. It is I, Otaku Fudgesicle."

"**Otaku Fudgesicle? What kind of codename is that?"**

"An awesome one," was the cocky reply. "But listen, I'm going to tell you who each of us is, okay? So you don't get mixed up."

"**Okay, I'm listening."**

"Alright." Taking a deep breath, Ariel began listing the codenames. "First is Samantha--No Inserting Cream Ejectors." **"Nice."**

"Second is you--Throwing Away Life's Lemons."

"**Don't know where you got that one."**

"Third is Stephanie--Gerbal Loving American Sharpie Sniffer."

"**No wonder the girl seems happy so much."**

"Fourth is me--Otaku Fudgesicle."

"**I didn't know you taste like fudge. Sasori must like that a lot."**

Glancing over her shoulder at the now blushing redhead, Ariel grinned. "Indeed. Finally, fifth is Brandi--Perverted Extreme Nympho In Small Energetic Sizes."

"**Okay, that one actually fits. Not sure 'bout Sam's though--I'm sure she lets Itachi insert his 'cream ejector' quite often."**

"A slight oversight." Ariel coughed professionally. "So, how's your progress?"

"**Heading along the Yellow Brick Road as we speak. I think we'll reach the Scarecrow soon."**

"Good, good. Alert me when you get to Scarecrow. And be careful with Puppy--he's delicate."

"**Wait, how did you know about Bark--?!"**

"Otaku Fudgesicle, out."

* * *

(In Oz…)

* * *

Morgan stared at the radio, mouth agape. "That little bitch hung up on me!"

"Uh-huh," Justin said dispassionately. "If you actually acted like you understood me--which I'm starting to think that none of you honestly do--I'd say you might have have deserved it. But, this Ariel girl you were talking to also sounded like a homicidal maniac, so I can't be totally sure in my opinion."

Morgan, ignoring him once again, merely cursed under her breath and continued walking along the path. She paused a moment later, however, when they reached the crossroads where a scarecrow sat in a field of corn.

Staring dispassionately at the Scarecrow, Morgan sighed. "Hello, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu nodded from his post. "Morgan."

"I suppose you want down?"

"That would be appreciated."

"You won't start singing, will you?" Kakuzu appeared offended. "Of course not!"

"Good." A few minutes later, and Morgan had untied Kakuzu and was helping him keep balance while he got used to his legs again. When that was over, she pulled out the radio. "Otaku Fudgesicle, this is Throwing Away Life's Lemons, over."

"**I read you, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. What's your status?"**

"I have recovered Scarecrow and am on my way to Tin Man, over."

"**Perfect. Continue as planned. Over and out."**

"Over and out."

Replacing the radio in the basket, she smiled at Kakuzu, who watched her warily. "Well then, let's get moving."

* * *

(In Another World…)

* * *

Samantha looked around curiously, recognizing where she was from a manga she'd read. Cross Academy, from the world of _Vampire Knight_. But why had the book taken her here?

Sighing, she hefted the backpack that had suddenly appeared on her shoulders higher, following one of the paths near her. Turning the corner, she stopped when she spotted a familiar face.

"Zero," she whispered. A smirk crawled across her face, twisting her expression into such a deviant display of hellish glory that a nearby squirrel burst into blue flames. This squirrel's friend saw the event, and quickly informed the rest of the wooded area of the demon in girl's skin that walked their paths. The result was that it became eerily quiet at Cross Academy, making the mood all the more fitting for what she was planning to do.

"Zero-senpai!" Samantha called, running up to him with a smile.

Zero's gaze locked onto her as she approached, narrowing at her with distrust. "Do I know you?"

Samantha giggled falsely. "Oh, Zero-senpai! I'm in the grade below yours, remember?"

"No," he said icily, "in fact, I don't have even the slightest inkling of who you are. Why are you out at night? And where's your uniform?"

Samantha sighed, reaching into the closest side pocket on the backpack. "You are just too damn observant."

"What--?"

Samantha slapped handcuffs onto the teen's wrists, attaching a rope to the chains in the middle. "You're coming with me," she said silkily. "I'm sure you'll be the _perfect_ Christmas present for Morgan. Now if I could just find one for the others--"

And in a flash, they disappeared.

* * *

(In The Tunnels…)

* * *

Ariel frowned at Itachi, having paused when the Uchiha refused to take one step further. "What's wrong, Itachi?"

"There is something," he whispered, "something very _evil_ ahead of us. I refuse to meet it."

"Oh come _on_, Uchiha," Sasori said condescendingly, "don't be a coward."

"You do not know the evil of what lies ahead," he retorted.

"I highly doubt it could be so bad, un," Deidara attempted to reassure. "It's probably just a mouse."

Itachi glared. "I assure you, it is no mouse." "How right you are, Itachi-san." The group screamed, jumping and spinning around to face the tunnel ahead of them, where a shadow could be seen flitting about in the scarce light provided by the torches spaced every ten feet or so on opposing walls.

Emerging into the light, the creature smiled enough to show fangs, it's usually kind eyes narrowed with predatory intent. "Long time, no see."

"Funshine Bear," Itachi hissed.

"_Funshine Bear?_" Ariel choked. "I haven't seen you since the Super Special Somewhat Musical Valentines Day of Doom!"

The demonic teddy bear's expression became even more demented, if possible. "Yes. I am aware of that disastrous event." The stuffed toy crouched into a fighting stance, hissing with malice, "I intend to end this, Uchiha. You and me. No holding back. We shall settle our vendetta!"

"Fine with me," Itachi hissed back, removing his cloak and tossing it to Deidara. "We shall end this."

"Here we go," Ariel rolled her eyes.

* * *

(Twenty Minutes Later…)

* * *

Ariel, Sasori, and Deidara sat against the tunnel wall, watching in awe as Itachi used a spinning kick to send Funshine Bear flying into the floor, skidding three feet before stopping.

It had been a long and arduous battle. Stuffing flew, hair was pulled from its ponytail, Yo Momma jokes were abundant, and the amount of stuffed animal cruelty was enough to make any animal rights activist shed a mournful tear for the misguided bear.

But now, it seemed the battle was finally ending. Itachi approached Funshine, ready to pull the last bit of stuffing from the bear's limp cloth body.

"You may think you have won, Itachi Uchiha," Funshine Bear choked out, "but this was only the battle. The war still wages!"

And in a flash of yellow light that vaguely smelled of lemons, Funshine Bear disappeared.

Itachi flicked his unbound hair over his shoulder, and Ariel nearly decided to forget the fact that this man was already claimed by Samantha and pounce. Luckily, though, she restrained herself.

"The bear did not know what he was fucking with, hn."

"Throwing Away Life's Lemons," Ariel whispered into the radio, "you just missed the most epic of epic battles, in all of epic battle history."

"**Seriously? What happened?"** Ariel recounted the fight, and Morgan whistled.

"**You're a lucky bitch, Otaku Fudgesicle,"** she said, **"one lucky bitch."**

* * *

(Ten Minutes Later In Oz…)

* * *

Morgan clicked her tongue at Kisame, helping him move his stiff joints that seemed to suddenly be made of metal. "You're not going to sing, are you?"

Kisame snorted. "Oh, yeah, right. _If I only had a--_grealsdkjoighasaljk!!!"

Kakuzu tightened the threads around Kisame's neck, eyes narrowed in seriousness. "_Never_ joke about that. If it even _looks_ like you're going to sing, I will sow your lips shut."

Eyes bulging, Kisame nodded, gulping in the air when he was freed. "Bastard."

Kakuzu shrugged.

"Shouldn't the witch appear?" Kisame asked a few minutes later, as they continued on their way. "And do the whole 'I'll get you my pretty!' thing?" "Tobi did that earlier. He seems to be mixing up scenes, or something."

"_Tobi?!_" Kisame looked panicked. "_Tobi_ is the Wicked Witch?! God, kill me now," he groaned.

"Wonder how Hidan and Stephanie are doing…?" Morgan mused. "Oh well, let's go, guys!"

* * *

(With Stephanie and Hidan…)

* * *

"DIE FUCKERS DIE!"

"Buckaw!"

"WHO'S COCKA-DOODLE-DOOING NOW, BITCH?!"

Stephanie sighed, face-palming tiredly as yet _another_ turkey was decapitated by her estranged lover.

They only needed _one_…

* * *

(In Another Universe…)

* * *

Samantha hummed with delight as she took in the newest world she'd been dropped into unexpectedly. The blimp they were on was rather nice, though the chill was slightly annoying. But hey, it was one of her favorite parts of Battle City--_Yu-Gi-Oh! _wouldn't have been the same without it.

"You!" Seto Kaiba glared fiercely at Samantha and Zero. "How did you get on this blimp?" Samantha nearly cried in ecstasy. Seto Kaiba. Oh, delicious, delicious CEO of Kaiba Corp. Sniffling reluctantly, Samantha turned away in order to resist the temptation. She was on a mission, after all.

Approaching a man with extremely spiked blonde hair and tan Egyptian skin, coal lining his lavender eyes, and a bored, amused look on his face, Samantha smiled. "Are you Yami Marik?"

The Egyptian crossed his muscled arms. "And your point?"

Grin widening, Samantha slapped a handcuff on one hand, and attached the other to the chain between Zero's cuffs. Marik raised an eyebrow, pulling out his Millennium Rod and focusing Shadow Magic into it. When nothing happened, he growled in frustration.

Samantha giggled. "Sorry, I'm not from this dimension, your magic don't work on me." (It was at this point that the authoress twitched at the fact that she had used such a poor plot device, as had this been any other fan fiction she were writing she would have immediately collapsed into an angst-y puddle forced herself to come up with something better to give her dutiful readers. But since this is crack, she merely jerks in her seat a few times and slaps herself once for good measure, making herself believe that for this, it will have to do. After all, the Funshine Bear thing is amusing but makes little sense, and she used _it_ without hyperventilating and cursing her soul to Hades, didn't she?)

Pulling rope from her backpack, Samantha quickly lassoed her other two victims together in a neat swoop--Joey Wheeler and Yami Bakura.

"Nyeh!" Joey cried.

"What the deuce?!" Bakura cursed.

"And thusly we conclude this tour," Samantha said.

Casting one last longing look at the extremely freaked out CEO, Samantha make her wish. "I need something to do until the others are done with what it is they need to do for Christgiving."

A flash, and they were all gone.

* * *

(In The Tunnels…)

* * *

"Thank you!" Ariel waved behind her at the Mole People, as they left their city behind to head back up to the surface. In her hands rested a large emerald, cut to the shape of a six-pointed star.

"Now then, let's head back up to the surface, shall we?" Ariel began trekking down the tunnels they'd just traversed, singing the Caramelldansen under her breath.

It was when they'd gotten about halfway home that Deidara paused, staring at the ceiling of the cave oddly. "Does anyone else hear that, un?"

"Hear what?" The other three paused, looking up as well. Sasori frowned. "I don't hear anything."

"Shhh, un!" Deidara whispered. "Listen!"

The group quieted, and after a moment of trying to catch whatever sound it was Deidara heard, muffled words came through the dirt.

"Oh, Apple-Bellum!"

Blinking, Ariel cocked her ear up, to better hear what was going on.

"Faster Apple-Bellum!" Grunt. Moan. "Oh, baby, that's right Apple-Bellum!"

"What the…?" Sasori whispered.

Itachi suddenly paled a sickly white. "I believe we are beneath Zetsu's greenhouse."

It took a moment for the implications to set in, but when they did, Deidara, Sasori and Ariel all mirrored each others horrified visage. Before any could speak, however, another sound filtered through the ceiling, louder than the others.

"FUCK, APPLE-BELLUM!"

"EWW, EWW, EWW, EWW, EWW!!!!!" Ariel screamed.

The four ran down the tunnel as though the hounds of hell were on their heels…

…that, or the sounds of a plant-man having sex with an apple tree could be heard through the ceiling behind them.

Whichever appeals to you more.

* * *

(Back In Oz…)

* * *

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my," Morgan deadpanned, peering through the trees in the thickly wooded area they were traveling. The Cowardly Lion should be around here somewhere.

"Cowardly Lion! Where the hell are you?!"

"Stop shouting, bitch! I'm coming!"

Blinking, Morgan turned, only to find Brandi with a furry collared jacket and whiskers drawn on her cheeks crawling over a boulder and onto the Yellow Brick Road.

"Brandi? You're the Cowardly Lion?"

Brandi scowled, obviously feeling cookie depraved in this cookie-free wood. "Yeah, what were expecting? A Teletubbie?"

Morgan shivered at the mention of such Devil Spawn, but shook her head. "No, but I thought you'd be someone a little more, er, cowardly."

"Well, this is what you get," she shrugged.

Morgan nodded, pulling out the radio. "Better tell Ariel I found everyone."

"Radio?" Brandi prowled closer, curiously prodding the device. "What, is this a secret mission or something?"

"She did give us codenames," Morgan supplied.

"Really?" Brandi grinned. "What are they?"

Morgan quickly told her everyone's assigned codename, and was confused when Brandi started laughing. "What's funny?" Sniffling, Brandi forced through her giggles, "take the first letter of each word in the codenames, in the order she gave them to you, and put all the words you get together."

Furrowing her brow, Morgan shrugged. "Okay. Let's see, first was Sam's…N-I-C-E…then mine…T-A-L-L…then Steph's…G-L-A-S-S…then Ariel's…O-F…and then yours…P-E-N-I-S-E-S--oh that bitch." Morgan rolled her eyes. "Haha, very funny."

Brandi glanced cynically at the other girl. "You seem oddly pessimistic this chapter. What's wrong with you?"

Morgan clicked her tongue. "It's probably because the authoress has been typing this story for nearly five hours, it's past four in the morning where she is, and therefore she is starting to get tired and her fingers are sore--thus making it difficult to keep me in character."

"Oh." Brandi glares at the sky, shaking a fist angrily. "Fuck you authoress! Keep us in character!"

(The authoress happily flips her the bird.)

(The authoress realizes she has just made her own characters break the fourth wall.)

(The authoress also realizes that she has gladly gotten angry and flicked off a character she _made_ say the things that angered her in the first place.)

(…the authoress thinks she should probably look into therapy…)

"Woah!" Morgan looks around, dazed and frightened. "What was that?" Brandi, feeling just as freaked, clings to Morgan's pant leg. "I don't know. I have the oddest feeling that we just interacted with someone who has the power to create or destroy the world we are currently in. Morgan, hold me."

Patting the girl's hair softly, Morgan gulps thickly. "I think we need to get a move on--before things get any weirder than they already are."

(The authoress snorts, good luck with that.)

"What was that!" Brandi lunges and spins around, looking for the source of the odd entity.

"Come on Brandi, let's just forget this ever happened."

Brandi points to her eyes with two fingers, then to the sky in the universal 'I'm watching you' sign, then follows Morgan down the path, Kakuzu, Kisame and Justin catching the rear. (Justin, at this point, has given up all hope of understanding the fucked up world he has been transported to, and merely wants to get through this as quickly as possible with few repercussions. He is also not surprised when he later discovers that Brandi also is apparently unable to understand him.)

"Hello, come in Otaku Fudgesicle," Morgan said into the radio. "I have Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion--aka, Perverted Extreme Nympho In Small Energetic Sizes--with me. We are on our way to Emerald City. Any news on Gerbal Loving American Sharpie Sniffer and No Inserting Cream Ejectors?"

"**Nice to hear from you, and no, I have no news. Though I do believe that by now the Unclean One should have killed off an entire farm of turkeys, at least."**

Morgan frowned, "Unclean One?"

"**Hidan."**

"Oh."

"**I'll speak to you when you're ready to make your wish to Oz. Otaku Fudgesicle, out."**

"See ya." Jolting when the radio was taken from her, she hesitated when she saw that Brandi was screaming into it.

"Exclamation Point!" She shook the radio. "Come in, Exclamation Point!" She collapsed to her knees, pounding the Yellow Brick Road with her fists, the rudest treatment it has yet received, no doubt. "No! We've lost her!"

"Um, Brandi…," Morgan hesitantly lay a hand on her shoulder, "there is no Exclamation Point."

"Yes there is," she sniffled.

"Who?"

"Cara, of course."

* * *

(Somewhere In Indiana…)

* * *

A girl with tightly curled dark hair and cute glasses sneezed as she played _Guitar Hero 3_, missing a note. Pausing, she looks up toward the heavens.

"…odd. I have the feeling someone called out for me in despair." She thought for a moment, then scrunched her nose. "Nah."

Cara went back to her game.

* * *

(Back In Oz…)

* * *

"Brandi," Morgan explained carefully, "Cara's not in this story, remember?"

Brandi blinked. "Oh yeah."

Rubbing her forehead, Morgan sighed. "Let's just get to the Emerald City."

* * *

(In Another Realm…)

* * *

Samantha was currently the happiest person alive.

I'm not even kidding.

She was surrounded by four bishies who, yes, were gifts for her friends, were also extremely attractive and in handcuffs. Yet, that wasn't even the best part.

No, the best part was that she was in _Bleach_, and she'd used her questionably Mary-Sue powers to force control over Ichigo and Renji--who she then made perform various acts of yaoi for her viewing pleasure.

Pant. Pant. "Ooh…_Renji_…"

"Mmm." Groan. Squirm. Moan. "_Harder_, fuck, Ichigo."

Oh yes, Samantha was currently a very happy little girl.

Very happy indeed.

* * *

(At The House…)

* * *

Upon reaching the surface, Ariel, Deidara, Sasori and Itachi realized that the house wasn't decorated in the least.

Ariel was very, very angry.

Pein curled tighter into the fetal position in the face of her anger, and the others wisely decided it would be best to avoid her wrath and start decorating.

All except for Itachi. No, he had decided to take a shower to remove the dirt from his hair before helping, but instead of doing as he'd promised, had hidden in his room immediately after escaping the bathroom. When asked why he wouldn't come out, he refused to answer.

After all, wouldn't you be embarrassed if you had hidden in your room because you were hiding from a hammer that had suddenly appeared behind you while _you _were washing your gorgeous, silky ebony locks?

Yes, yes you would.

…even if it w_as_ incredibly creepy.

* * *

(In Oz…)

* * *

The group had reached the Emerald City faster than they'd thought. After all, they'd only been held up once by a field of sleep-inducing poppies. (That oddly looked more like swirled lollipops than they did actual poppies…)

Entering the city, they went to see Oz, received the task of getting the Wicked Witch's broom, and promptly left. Obviously, the authoress was getting bored with that scene and did not wish to write it out.

* * *

(In The Wicked Witch's Castle…)

* * *

Tobi stared into his crystal ball longingly. Oh, but it had been love at first sight! Puppy was just so adorable! He wanted to cuddle him…hug him…kiss him…stroke him…**dominate him so thoroughly that his ass would belong to Tobi for the rest of his days**…

Tobi blinked, wondering where that last thought had come from.

Woah, he really needed to lay off the Nesquik.

Tobi sighed, stroking the crystal ball as the two faces of his loves came into view. Morgie-pyon was so wonderful…he loved her so very much…

"But if Tobi loves one, can Tobi love the other?" he asked himself.

And it was then that Tobi had an epiphany. Thus, Tobi's Brilliant and Cunning Plan came to be.

Grinning deviously, Tobi looked into the crystal ball.

Yes…Tobi could have both. Why? The answer is simple, dearies.

Tobi was a good boy.

* * *

(In Another Part Of Oz…)

* * *

Morgan was thoroughly confused.

What in the HELL was going on? This wasn't how it was supposed to be! Tobi was supposed to kidnap her, then Bark-Bark would lead Kisame and Kakuzu to the castle, and they would rescue her!

Then Tobi would melt.

Never would Morgan admit that that had been the part she'd been looking forward to the most--she had a hidden sadistic streak when it came to her adorable little masked lover.

Yet none of that happened. Instead here was Tobi--broom in hand, and willing to hand it over without a fight.

On the stairs of the FREAKING EMERALD CITY.

That was it. She gave up.

"Come on," she moaned, turning around walking right back into the city ignoring the horrified gasps and screams of the civilians as the Wicked Witch was in their midst.

Entering Oz's room/temple/place Morgan took the broom from Tobi and threw in front of the CGI abomination. "There, we got the broom. Give us the wishes."

"Wait!" Tobi cried, hands in the air defensively.

"What is it you want, Witch?!" Oz called defensively.

"Tobi will only let you keep Tobi's broom if Tobi can have a wish too!"

The room at large gasped, while Morgan merely sank to her knees and appeared to pray for a swift end.

Oz deliberated for a moment. "…you have a deal, Witch."

"Yay!" Tobi hopped up and down, obviously ecstatic. "Tobi wishes he could have two lovers!" Oz blinked at the odd request, and Morgan began to write her will on the room's floor by scratching the words in with her fingernails.

"…alright then," Oz answered slowly. "Morgan? Allow me to grant this wish?" Morgan twitched, but looked at Tobi's hopeful face and softened. "Who is it?"

Tobi pointed, "Puppy!"

Justin looked over his shoulders, checking to see who else was in that area of the room. To his chagrin, he realized that it was in fact him that Tobi was pointing at, and began to wish he'd provoked a munchkin enough to off him in the very beginning of this twisted adventure.

Morgan pursed her lips. "…alright. But only if I get as much attention, and you have to let me watch on Fridays."

"DEAL!" Tobi tackled Morgan, nuzzling her collar bone lovingly. "Thank you, Morgie-pyon!"

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed. Pulling out the radio, she contacted Ariel. "Yo, bitch? What wish did you bring me here to make?"

"**Codenames! Codenames!"**

"I'm tired, out of character, and I want to come home! You tell me what it is now, or I swear I will wish for you to have ears where the only thing you ever hear is MILEY CYRUS!"

Ariel gasped. **"That's just cruel! Fine, fine. I wanted you to wish…for a fruitcake."**

Morgan was dead silent for a moment. "…a fruitcake?"

"**We needed one for the Christmas part of this holiday," **Ariel explained. **"And I don't know how to make one, so…"**

"A fruitcake," Morgan repeated, sounding more hysterical as the seconds passed. "A fruitcake. A fruitcake! A FUCKING FRUITCAKE!"

"**I'm gonna go now…"**

The sound of the other radio turning off made Morgan collapse in a heaving Puddle of Twitch™.

Oz watched with wide eyes. "Er…should I just go ahead and…?"

"Just give us the fruitcake," Brandi ordered. Oz nodded, and a fruitcake was slid out from behind a nearby curtain to rest at Brandi's feet. Picking it up, she nudged Morgan. "Hey, Morgana? Tap your heels, so we can leave."

Pulling herself together, the girl did just that. "There's no place like home…there's no place like home…there's no place like home…"

A flash of light, and they all disappeared.

* * *

(At The House…)

* * *

Appearing in the living room where they'd been before heading to Oz unwillingly, they were greeted by Ariel, Sasori, Deidara, Pein, Konan and Itachi--who they'd had drag from his room with a length of flame retardant rope.

"Here's your _fruitcake_," Morgan hissed, tossing the plastic wrapped dessert that no one ever really ate Ariel.

Smiling warily, she set it on the table with the emerald, and just moments later a nice turkey as Stephanie came in with it fully cooked, and Hidan proudly covered in turkey blood.

Pein looked at Justin, cocking his head. "Who is this?"

Justin--who had no idea why he'd appeared here, and not at his apartment three states away, and why he still had puppy ears--went with the flow and held out a hand. "I'm Justin."

Pein leaned forward. "What's that boy? What's that?"

Grinding his teeth, Justin took a deep breath. "My name. It's _Justin._"

"Timmy's in the well, you say? Timmy's in the well?" Turning, Pein ran from the room. "I'm coming Timmy!"

Justin fell into an open spot on the couch. "I hate all of you."

"No you don't, Bark-Bark," Morgan said, patting his knee.

He blinked. "You-you can understand me?!"

Morgan looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course I can, I always have been."

"B-but in Oz--and you ignored me--and--"

"Oh that," she waved a hand. "That was for fun. We all could always understand you."

Justin became dangerously quiet then. "I think I hate all of you. I can't wait until I can get home."

"Home?" Morgan snorted. "You are home."

"W…what?" "Don't you get it?" She pet one of his ears. "You are now the official Pet of the TFCC. Congratulations! Welcome to the family!"

Justin slowly turned into the couch cushions…opened his mouth…and…

"ARGHHHH!!!!"

"Don't worry, un," Deidara consoled, rubbing Justin's back. "You'll get used to them. We did."

Tobi lay himself across Justin's back. "Yay, lover!"

Justin passed out.

Tobi frowned. "Was it something Tobi said?" Konan stared at the door Pein had left through, a frown turning her lips downward at the corners. "…I'm going to go find him. You guys go ahead." She left.

"Alrighty then," Ariel grinned, "let's get this party started!"

* * *

(Bleach-Verse…)

* * *

Samantha frowned as her body felt the familiar tug, sighing as she realized it was time to leave.

"Damn, and it was just getting good."

A flash, and they were gone.

Ichigo and Renji blinked, their minds coming back into their control as they stared at each other, then jumped apart like they'd just stepped on hot coals.

"Why are you naked?!"

"Me, why are _you_ naked?!"

"AHHHH!"

"AHHHH!"

* * *

(The House…)

* * *

Samantha appeared in the living room, blinking as she looked around. "What…?"

"SURPRISE!"

Her friends all tossed an arm over her shoulder, grinning like no tomorrow as she stared at them in shock. "Surprise?"

"Your birthday silly!" Ariel handed Sam the emerald. "Here's your present. Not only is it extremely valuable, but it has the power to grant one wish."

She accepted it wordlessly, still too shocked to react. "Th-thanks…" Looking down at the ropes she held, she remembered what she'd gotten and smiled. "I got you guys some things too." Taking Joey, she shoved him at Brandi. "Here."

Brandi jumped on the blonde. "Just what I wanted!"

"Nyeh?" Joey said confusedly.

"This one's for you," Samantha said, uncuffing Zero and handing him over to Morgan.

The girl grew sparkly eyed, wrapping herself around him like a child would cling to a teddy bear. "This makes it all _worth_ it," she moaned.

"Stephanie," Samantha handed Bakura over, "I know you like elves, and I thought he looked a bit…elf-like."

Stephanie grabbled the British boy's white head, pulling it to the side and poking his ears. "…they are sufficiently pointy, I suppose." Grinning she added, "Let's see if the rest of him is as pointy as his ears." She dragged him upstairs to her and Hidan's room.

"And finally, for Ariel." Marik was thrown into Ariel's arms, where he pulled himself back and crossed his arms and glared.

Ariel stared at him in wonder. "…call me a whorebiscuit."

Marik blinked. "What?"

"Whorebiscuit," Ariel explained, "call me a whorebiscuit."

Confused, Marik raised an eyebrow. "…whorebiscuit."

Ariel squeeled and tackled Marik to the ground, pulling chains from beneath the couch and binding him at the arms and legs. She then dragged him upstairs, where Morgan and Brandi had also gone just moments before, happily whistling a merry tune.

Samantha tucked her emerald into her pocket, glad that her friends were happy. Turning around, she looked at the Akatsuki males, her friends lovers, and a sudden image of Ichigo and Renji appeared in her mind, and morphed into the males before her doing those same acts. The emerald in her pocket felt heavy, all of a sudden.

"Any wish, huh…," she mused.

The Akatsuki exchanged frightened glances, recognizing the look in Samantha's eyes for what it truly was.

A die-hard yaoi fangirl had just been born.

* * *

(Later…)

* * *

It wouldn't be until the next day, after their presents had been sent back to their respective shows, that Morgan would turn to Brandi and ask, "You know, we never did find out who Oz really was behind the curtain."

Brandi shrugged, too preoccupied with the glint in Sam's eyes that suggested she was pairing up everything male in the vicinity and that that same glint would soon spread to the rest of the females in the house, to care about some guy behind a curtain. "Maybe someday we'll find out," she said.

* * *

(In Oz…)

* * *

Justin Timberlake leaned back in his plush emerald green armchair, tired after putting up with the craziness that was the TFCC. Looking through the window at what would be the next guest to visit the Great and Powerful Oz, Chuck Norris, he winced.

Maybe bringing sexy back hadn't been that bad of a job after all, he though.

As Chuck Norris entered in a cloud of glitter and manliness, Justin Timberlake decided that this thought was correct, and picked up the phone to call his manager and get his job as a singer and star of the wet dreams of teens and young adults back.

He only hoped he could have his position secured and be out of there before the frilly dressed monstrosity found him behind the curtain.

**

* * *

**

The End.

* * *

vampgirl8:

Thank you for reading this! It took forever to do! Gods, I'm tired.

Please, review and tell me your favorite parts, lines, characters, etc. I'd really appreciate it!

Also, for those who think it might be fun, I'd like you to take a stab in the dark about why Funshine Bear hates Itachi so much. Just what is their past together? I know...but do any of you? Props to anyone who can guess correctly!

See you guys next time!

Ja ne!

vampgirl8


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